My wounded little soldier

Leo and I are sat waiting for our vet appointment. The poor guy had a massive lump on his head which burst last night.

The smell was horrific and now he has a gaping wound. I can’t say for sure how or what caused the abscess but I *think* he was attacked by another cat.

The cat rescue told me that he isn’t good at defending himself as he was badly beaten by cats in the past (I know how that feels).

It’s frustrating because I tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he is determined to go out and has ground me down.

So I’ve just given up now. I let him run around in the garden. He doesn’t normally go far from sight but one night a few weeks ago, he disappeared.

I called him for about an hour but it got late so I had to fall asleep with my back door open, hoping he’d come home.

I discovered him sleeping next to me in the morning and when we got out of bed I noticed he was limping along next to me.

I called the vet who said to bring him in if he doesn’t improve in 24 hours. His limp went away so we didn’t go to the vet.

Anyways, I think that night he was attacked and the abscess on his head which has burst is a result of that night.

He really hates going to the vet. He’s taken a chunk out of my hand as I tried to get him in his carrier.

Such a carry on, I’m sweating still.

He’s so adorable and affectionate but he’s also stubborn with me – but a bloody wuss when it comes to looking after himself on the streets.

Little shit. But I do love him – just look at that face!

Fingers crossed he gets his treatment and it heals up okay.

I feel like I’m drowning again

Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.

The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.

I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.

I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.

He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.

Breathe.

Calm down.

He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.

I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.

I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.

Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.

As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.

I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.

I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.

All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.

What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.

I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.

If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.

I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?

I’ve been broken far too many times.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

I can’t procrastinate this weekend

Here in the UK it is officially “May-day” bank holiday weekend. I have had to cancel my camping trip so I can deal with everything that I have neglected at home. I haven’t been keeping up with any housework and there is a mountain of odd jobs that I have been putting off since January.

I still haven’t build the Ikea furniture to replace what my ex smashed up over Xmas and New Year.

The biggest motivator for me now is that someone will be visiting my house to make sure I am worthy of adopting a rescue cat (i.e. I am not a complete savage and there are no other pets in the household).

The lady from the cat rescue charity will visit 1pm on Monday and I don’t want her to see my house in this state. I look around and this not who I am but I haven’t had the strength or will to keep on top of things.

So anyways, I am going to do it this weekend and have put together a massive to do list to finish for before she arrives.

Here’s my to do list:

  • Build ikea wardrobe and drawers (to replace what my ex smashed up)
  • Clear the front driveway of weeds and rubbish
  • Clear the back garden of weeds and rubbish
  • Remove mould and mildew from the bathroom ceiling and tiles
  • Deep clean and vacumm the rest of the house
  • Take all waste (including broken furniture) to the recycling center / local skip

Someone has offered to help me with building the Ikea stuff. This is the guy I went on a couple of dates with. I told him why I have cancelled my camping trip this weekend and since then he has become determined to, in his own words, be “alpha male” and just come over and help me.

I’ve turned down his offer. I have been truthful about it and my reasoning is, my ex is the reason why my life has ended up in such a mess and I should really fix it myself.

It doesn’t feel right for me to let another man, a man who I hardly know – swoop-in and clean up the mess left by the shit-head that abused me.

I am so overwhelmed by how much I need to get done this weekend but I need to take my power back.

I need to do this alone.

 

 

Tired and sore

img_2149This picture was taken last week, shortly after we reached the top of Cadair Idris and I cried. Tears of sadness and release. My sister in law was respectful about it and kept it to herself.

I haven’t posted in a while as I was out and about for most of my trip in Snowdonia. I went with my brother and his wife with a friend tagging along as well for a couple of days. We stayed in a gorgeous cottage on the coast of South Snowdonia.

The trip was a success. The weather was gorgeous, I climbed the biggest mountains, explored forests, ate yummy food and even managed to squeeze in some mountain biking. I was impressed by my sister in law who was able to keep up with me and my shenanigans for the majority of the trip.

I smoked weed on one of the nights and it reminded me why I don’t smoke anymore. It was nice and relaxing to begin with but then I just felt tired and hazy and it felt like it didn’t wear off for a few days. It makes my ADHD worse thats for sure – definately not worth it. I wont be touching it again any time soon.

I got back home last night. I unpacked, went food shopping and re-organised my life.

Today I am sore, tired and I look like I have been hit by a bus.

I am going rock climbing with my friend this morning, and then I have a couple of dates lined up over the weekend.

I shouldn’t go on the dates because I promised myself that I would use this weekend to build the Ikea furniture (to replace what my ex smashed up).

On Monday I have a 2-day training course and then I have to go back to work on Wednesday.

Busy.

Anxiety is slowly creeping in.

Back to reality.

Angels and Demons

I only have 30 mins to write so I decided to write about the first thing I could see in front of me, and that thing (IT) is my creepy work mug. It is my favourite mug at the moment and as you can see, it’s Pennywise the clown from the recent remake of Stephen Kings IT.

There’s a funny story about my creepy work mug. I bought it just after watching the movie in the cinema because I think clowns are cool, the movie was good and I have a bit of a crush on Bill Skarsgård.

I bought it for work specifically, and guessed there would someone at work who would find it distasteful. I was naughtily looking forward to an interaction about it which I would find entertaining.

What I didn’t realise was that actually one of my own team mates is absolutely terrified of clowns!

I don’t know how I missed that detail. I must have been in a world of my own because I failed to notice that it was actually a big deal. Someone had recently pulled a clown-flavoured prank on them and they were still very upset about it. So unfortunately, when she saw my mug she assumed that I was taking the piss – but I really wasn’t and it took some convincing on my part for her to believe me.

Another story about my creepy work mug is I thought I had lost it. A few days ago I was working late at the office and the lady who cleans our office spoke to me to say she found it on a different floor and brought it upstairs for me to use tomorrow. I swear there are angels walking on earth right beside us but we’re too fucking ignorant to see them.

Sorry if this post was boring or irrelevant. I needed to write but I won’t have anymore time today. I have some last minute shopping and packing to do before I go on holiday with my brother and sister in law.

I really can’t wait, we are heading to North Wales and staying in Snowdonia – its going to be so lush!