10 reasons not to kill myself

*Trigger Warning*

I am writing this post without being absolutely sure if I will publish it.

After giving it some thought and running a couple of Google searches, I have pulled out some key themes that could be reason for someone not to kill themselves.

I will comment on each as it relates to my situation.

Reason no #1 Family – nope

Well as it stands I don’t have a relationship with my (abusive) parents or siblings. I was close with one of my brothers and his wife, but around 2 months ago they cut contact with me. My youngest brother told me that the reason for this is that I apparently went “apeshit” at my sister in law. Which is absolute lies. What actually happened was I was firm in putting a clear boundary in place about a topic of conversation and she didn’t like that. The saddest part was how easy it was for my brother to cut me out of his life.

Reason no #2 – Children – nope

I have no children of my own. I am now 38 -nearly 39 so intending to have a child on my own would be risky, putting my and an unborn child’s health at risk. Also, would I want to bring a child into a world where they don’t have any extended family (grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins) to love and care for them?

Reason no #3 – Romantic relationships – nope

I have a boyfriend right now but we are not in a committed relationship. History has proved that I have zero ability to choose a suitable romantic partner or maintain a healthy relationship. I am more than confident that I am too broken and damaged to be long term relationship material. I do not see a happy ending on the horizon for myself and if anything, my biggest deepest wounds are a result of my many failed relationships.

Reason no #4 – Friends – nope

I can count on one hand how many friends I have and they are mainly people from back home. It’s nearly a decade since I moved away and due to the distance and people getting on with their lives, there isn’t much friendship to be maintained. Unless they know about my blog they will be oblivious to any of what is going on with me right now.

Reason no #5 – Pets – nope

Leo is amazing. I absolutely adore my cat and he makes my daily life a little more bearable, but I wouldn’t say he gives me much of an incentive to endure the burden of life. If anything, I feel like now that his health issues are completely resolved (he was a rescue cat and came to me with kidney failure, etc), he doesn’t need me anymore. If anything were to happen to me, he would easily find a new loving home to enjoy the rest of his life.

Reason no #6 – Work / Career – nope

On the face of it, my job is comfortable and stable. I have no problems with my boss or my immediate team members. Things look good on paper but the reality is I am entirely stagnant and under-utilised in my role. It’s a bit like a catch 22 situation. Changing jobs is NOT an option for me. Doing so would be utterly de-stabilising and detrimental to my health and well-being. However, the longer I stay is increasingly damaging to my sense of efficacy and self-worth. It is not about ambition and money for me, its about feeling useful and doing work that is meaningful. I am so ashamed that I do not have the courage or the strength to leave my current job.

Reason no #7 – Higher purpose (or a bigger cause / service to humanity) – nope

I had to pause on this one. It would be nice to have a higher purpose or a cause bigger than myself to focus on. Many times I have thought about fostering or adopting cats and / or children – however, the thought of having dependents makes me anxious. I am vulnerable enough myself, with no support network or family to rely on – so the idea of taking on more dependents just to make myself feel better would be an irresponsible and selfish thing to do.

Reason no #8 – Pleasure & hedonism – nope

I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. This was probably my reason for living when I was in my 20s. I had loads of fun and made plenty of good and bad memories along the way. Towards the end of this era it stopped being fun and I became suicidal. And after that I was just numb for a while. Incidentally, I eventually had an near death experience due to an un-related health condition which gave me a bit of a wake-up call. I cleaned up my act and focused on my education and career. I didn’t like the person I was back then so I do not see me going back to thrill-seeking and dopamine chasing – unless the end goal is to kill myself, in which case I suppose I could find creative ways to achieve that. I am really not that person anymore, so it is highly unlikely anyways.

Reason no #9 – Travel – nope

Travelling sounds nice but even trips to the beach makes me sad because I do not have friends or a romantic partner to share it with. Also, I have PTSD around travelling abroad so I would have to really trust someone before I can feel safe to travel with them. To cut a long story short, a trip to my ultimate dream destination in Mexico was ruined by an abusive ex-partner. At one point I feared for my life because he was going to through me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. I’d like to get excited about travel again, but since then I haven’t traveled on my own and when I traveled with someone I was anxious and resorted to drinking a lot of alcohol to be able to cope.

Reason no #10 – Ending up paralised, disabled or incapacitated – yes

The one incentive for me not to kill myself is the thought of the scenario where I failed to complete suicide (by whatever method) and instead I end up incapacitated to the extent that my body or mind isn’t functional and I am entirely dependent on poorly treated and poorly paid humans working for our national health services to provide my basic needs and personal care. That would be a living hell. So my thoughts are, if THAT version of reality is a living hell then that means my current reality can’t be so terrible. That means I have my health and (somewhat) functional mind to look after myself and take care of my basic needs, which is better than not having them. I’d rather not make my situation worse than it is.

To conclude: I realise that the title of this post was misleading because I couldn’t find 10 reasons. I could find one reason which is something I guess.

I’ll end by saying sorry to anyone who has been triggered or negatively affected by this post. Please be advised that I am writing this as an attempt to get better. I am writing this with a tiny grain of hope that in doing so I might connect with readers or other bloggers who can relate and are going through a similar experience.

And that is all I have to say on the matter, for now.

I wanted to jump to my death

Towards the end of the relationship I had thoughts about killing myself. This was the first time in over a decade that something like this had crossed my mind.

My brother and his wife asked me to organise a 7 day trip for the four of us to stay in a cottage, somewhere rugged and beautiful.

As I sifted through the hundreds of properties on AirBnB, some of them had some pictures of the surrounding landscape so I could visualise the experience. The property we went for is coastal and the listing included gorgeous pictures of the nearby beaches and cliffs.

I started imagining the inevitable that either one of us, myself or my brother or his wife would end up pushing his buttons and the trip would turn sour. I imagined a scenario whereby after an awkward confrontation, he and I would have to go outside for a “time out”. We find ourselves walking along one of the nearby cliff edges. My thoughts then moved on to the tears and feelings of despair that he’s upset my family and there would be no way of reconciling. I imagined how I would feel if this happened. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself so there was no option other than for me to die so I jumped off the cliff.

I was suddenly fantasizing about suicide which absolutely terrified me. I told him about it – not fully – just the jumping part.

He didn’t bat an eyelid.

At the time, I think I told myself that perhaps he thought I was lying or something…I don’t know. When I think about it now, about his blank stare, I try to remember if there was ever a time he showed any kind of genuine regard or concern for me. I tried to remember any relevant facial expressions, body language or words. I am finding it difficult, he rarely ever made eye contact with me.

I always ached for him to look into my eyes so I could see that he loved me but he wouldn’t.

I do however remember some actions that showed me he really cared – on a couple of occasions, when I was sick.

There was one time when I was really sick with a nasty nasty cold. I was in so much pain and I started weeping. He immediately stood up, put his shoes on and drove to the shop and returned with a bag full of medication, vitamins and chocolate. I saw the shopping and wept even harder, this time from gratitude. The fact that he did something utterly caring and nurturing for was something I craved so badly and in that moment it was there.

The time before that I was sick with a UTI and he behaved in a similar way. It was when I was at my weakest physically that he really showed up for me. He was tender and he genuinely made me feel protected, looked after, like he really did loved me.

I miss that guy.

Nearly two months on from the breakup and my feelings about him are still so very complex. At night my dreams about him are sweet and loving but during the day the intrusive thoughts run wild with his nasty words, the mindgames, manipulations, his unpredictable outbursts.

My complex feelings are confusing and draining my energy. I’m so tired.

How is it possible that the traumatic events are persistently and uncontrollably playing back in my mind, yet-a big part of me is still deeply in love with him?

Why does that part of me see nothing wrong with letting him tear down my world, until the only thing left for me to do is to take my own life?