The last time I posted about dating, I was excited and optimistic about having met someone new.
We waited a month to have our second date because he was overseas on holiday but we were texting a lot and I can sincerely say that we had an amazing connection.
However, to put it bluntly, the second date was a total fucking disaster.
Idecided very early on in the second date that I didn’t fancy him anymore…but I ignored my feelings and tried to make it work.
He wasn’t very talkative, quite shy so I worked quite hard to avoid it being awkward.
I got drunk and tried to have a nice time. the rest of the night is a blur. Of the bits I can remember, I would rather forget,
To say that the overall experience disappointing would be the kindest thing I could say.
I woke up in my bed, with him lying next to me. I had a stinking hangover and felt totally repulsed.
I dragged myself out of bed and had a shower. Whilst in the shower I continued to ignore my feelings and convinced myself that I could turn it around.
I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to continue the date. So I drove us to this cute place in town for a “romantic” breakfast.
It really wasn’t.
Much like last night, he wasn’t talkative and I tried my best to fill the silence with nice things like admiring the decor but eventually I gave up on it.
My next move was to get him back to his car which was parked at my house so we could say our goodbyes – but he didn’t leave – he followed me into my house.
I didn’t know what to do.
I made us a cup of tea and I told him that at some point I will need to get going because I had lots of errands and things to do.
He said “okay”, then took his shoes off and made himself very comfortable on my couch.
We watched a couple of episodes of The Spy on Netflix – which I thought will bore the fuck out of him (political dramas are not his bag) but he persevered.
Finally I plucked up the courage, got up from the couch and said, “okay that’s it now – I have stuff to do so I’m going to load my car with stuff for the recycling station”.
I took the loads to my car and then with my keys in my hand I said to him, “right I have to go now” and he said “okay, do you need any help?” and I told him that I’m meeting a friend who is helping me.
“Okay” he said. He turned and continued watching the TV.
I started trembling and I abruptly told him “you need to leave now!”.
He was apologetic and left the house with me, we hugged, he got in his car and instead of driving off, he just sat there.
So, I’m still trembling at this point as I back my car out of the drive – I could see him in his car just staring at me as I drive off.
He made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable but I can’t be angry at him because I don’t think it’s his fault.
It’s my own fault. I should be angry at myself for ignoring my feelings.
I should be angry that I didn’t kick him out sooner. I was the one who let the date continue to the point where I felt trapped and anxious about telling him to leave.
You could say that I led him on but it’s more complicated than that.
I honestly thought I liked him – but none of it was true…it was all in my head.
The truth is, I totally deluded myself.
I made myself believe that I liked him and that I fancied him. When it wasn’t going well I tried to force the situation and it didn’t end well.
I think I did this because I was so lonely, because I desperately want a boyfriend.
The second date was a complete shit show and I only have myself to blame.
I started dating someone and I am thinking it might go somewhere.
Full disclosure, we have only been on one date. And yes, this is a strange thing for me to say.
I am totally getting ahead of myself.
Before sounding like I have lost my mind (which is yesterdays news anyways), I will try to explain.
We went on our first date about a month ago, which went well but for various reasons we haven’t had a chance to go on a second date. These being, he is now overseas on holiday – and, in his words, he took it too literally when I said to him “see you in September then”
Anyways, we are talking a lot, and I like him a lot.
Hes so sweet… I told him I feel bad because I am distracting him from his holiday but he is determined to keep the dialogue (and pic swapping) going.
I don’t talk about it much but I have told him about my past relationship, the abuse, the PTSD and the nightmares. It is so easy to talk to him about this stuff.
An interesting thing happened yesterday at work, which has thrown up some interesting challenges that I am not able to write about yet. When I had an emotional meltdown about it, all I wanted was for him to be there.
And he kind of was, from a distance.
Shit – I barely know him, and out of nowhere I am getting the feels – which is utterly perplexing. It’s nice, but it’s mixed with fear and my brain is like WTF IS GOING ON!!!
I googled the science of falling in love today – like, proper research and science stuff.
Did you know that scientists reckon that falling in love affects the same brain reward circuits as cocaine and heroin?
If we extend this theory to someone like me, vulnerable and a recent victim of domestic violence – then maybe we have some kind of explanation for how I am feeling at the moment.
Maybe I need to rein it in and protect myself? How do I even do that?
I’m not seeing any red flags???
Or maybe its as simple as, I have met someone really special and I just need to chill the fuck out and run with it.
Just a quick update as I haven’t been posting much lately.
Leo is settling in nicely. He’s so affectionate, sleeps beside me at night and follows me around the house. It’s so endearing.
He’s looking really well, much better since he was first rescued. I’ve spent lots of time grooming and pampering him. I had to buy some interesting contraptions that deal with long hair and managed to get all the knots and dreads out. He’s so beautiful.
For some reason he has gone off wet food. I’ve now tried every “high quality” veterinary brand available and he seems to prefer the dry food. Very confusing, but he’s is eating lots, drinking lots of water and looks happy so I’ll try not to obsess about it.
I had a serious wobbler at work on Friday, sent some angry emails, etc. It was not as bad as it could have been but I felt so sad / angry / frustrated that I was close to packing it all in. If you read my last post then this wouldn’t be surprising to you…I was definitely ready to burst.
I’m glad that there was a couple of days build-up and I didn’t just “snap”. I was passive aggressive as fuck which is perversely, preferable in a corporate environment.
What else can I say. I was in a bit of a state but I don’t really want to write about it just now because I’ll get upset again.
I know I need to find a way to address some things that are bothering me, but I probably won’t. Not in a healthy way – it will escalate and I’ll have to be forced before I can have those difficult conversations with people.
For now I’m going to bury my head in the sand and wait to be pushed.
I’m still not feeling particularly sociable moment. I have a select few trusted people that I want to be around. Everyone else seems like hard work at the moment, particularly those who are opinionated or come with their own issues that they want to project on to me. I just don’t have the energy for any kind of toxic bullshit at the moment.
I decided not to go on that “third date” because something didn’t sit right with me. He has since informed me that he’s found my blog, made a weird comment implying I have gender privilege because I can talk about being a victim of domestic abuse.
Having seen a couple of passive aggressive posts and hashtags on Instagram, (presumably because I don’t want to see him again), I think I might have dodged some kind of bullet there.
Not that I’m losing sleep over this but I’m really fucking tetchy right now but if I’m honest, it doesn’t take much for me to feel harassed.
So, I’m not officially dating anyone but I’m getting plenty of affection from the opposite sex. I’ve taken the next step in my recovery and allowed myself some intimacy with a few people that I trust.
I’ve said this before, I’m incredibly lucky for all the lovely gentlemen in my life, for all the ways they have helped me whilst I’ve been at my lowest.
I have amazing bonds with most of my exes and a few of them have been taking care of me since leaving my abusive relationship. For those that are geographically close to me, we’ve been able to spend quality time together…no agenda, a home cooked meal, cuddles and kisses on the sofa. I’ve felt cared for and safe enough to fall asleep in their arms.
I can’t think of anything more tender and healing than this. Exactly what I need right now and I’m so grateful. I’m more than happy with how things are at the moment.
Of course I want nothing more than to fall madly in love with someone amazing…but I’ve accepted that healing from domestic abuse will be a long and painful journey.
I’m in a much better place and I can afford to be patient with myself.
Hobbies n Activities
I’m appreciating my freedom and how I don’t have to ask for persmission to do the things that I love.
I’ve had a action filled bank holiday weekend full of surfing, hiking and managed to squeeze in a bike ride in the forest.
I really can’t complain.
I’m not gaming as much now that the weather has improved but last weekend I did buy the DLC for The Division 2 and spent a whole day gaming (which was amazing).
Health and Well-being
My overall health and well-being is improving. My energy levels are good and with the warmer weather I’m getting outdoors to do lots of fun stuff.
I am still not eating well or cooking proper meals for myself. Unless someone else feeds me I will just resort to microwave meals, cerials, nuts fruit and tinned soup.
It doesn’t sound so bad but the reason it pains me is because I have never lived on microwaves meals before. It’s just not me – I am half Iranian and was brought up to cook my meals from scratch. if I find the motivation to eat well and cook for myself again then I’ll feel more like myself. My routines will be back to where they were before the abuse started. Before my system of living was taken away from me.
To conclude, I’m okay right now, things are “up and down”.
I am still trying to find my way back to normality.
I know there’s some difficult times ahead with work and my PTSD. I’m very much reliant on my support network but I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s the best I can do right now.