Love Fool

So what have I been doing since my previous post whereby I thought I had found the “love of my life?”

Well first of all, I didn’t because he wasn’t.

The first month or so was lovely. He took me on holiday and spoiled me for my birthday and valentines day. That was back in February. Then in March the pandemic happened and we ended up going into lock-down together, in my house. Our relationship didn’t survive the lock down.

My final good bye / closure email to him was towards the end of May.

Nothing awful happened, but after having plenty of time to process things I can certainly say that he caused me unnecessary emotional pain. Long story-short, he pulled away emotionally and physically at the same time, actively refused to end the relationship and prevented me from moving on.

He kept me in a limbo and dragged things out for over a month. During this time he was back living at his own place. I tried many times to talk to him about our relationship, but he refused phone calls and was always quick to shut me down. I suffered weeks of small talk via text and uncertainty about what was going to happen.

It goes without saying that inducing this level of relationship uncertainty for Autistic people is basically like torture.

The final conversation happened when he finally let me talk to him on the phone. As I was despairing to him, he responded something along the lines of “You want me to put you out of your misery? It’s over, we are finished.

Nice guy.

I ask myself what I have learned from this and I don’t really think I have learned anything. I think that my trust and abandonment wounds have grown deeper. I am left without any trust in my own judgement.

I feel stupid for believing anything he said about me being the only person he has ever loved and wanted to settle down with and phrases like, e.g. “when you know, you know”.

So where am I now?

I do have a boyfriend now. We are a couple of months into the relationship and I am not sure.

At the beginning I was absolutely smitten. Over the last couple of weeks or so I am spending more time feeling confused, sick to my stomach, crying and fearful of impending rejection and abandonment.

I don’t know if he is good for me or bad for me because there is no way I can trust my own judgement.

A product of years of abuse, relationship failures and poor life choices…so I can’t imagine there ever being a happy ending in the horizon for me.

The saddest part in all of this is knowing that I can never feel safe and truly loved in the arms of a good man, without that creeping sense that it’s just temporary illusion and I will end up where as I always do.

Alone.

Found him

Just over a month ago I published Dear Soulmate. Without realising it at the time, that post marked a major milestone in my recovery journey. At the time of writing I was starting to believe that I was lovable and deserving of love.

Last weekend I met someone really fucking amazing. He is gorgeous, kind and loving.

We have so much in common but most importantly we had an instant connection. We didn’t have to play the weird dating game thing. We knew we wanted to be together from the first day we met.

It’s early days but in his own words, “when you know, you know”.

The problem I have is I feel like none of this is real. I am terrified that I’ll wake up to realise that all of this is a dream.

He knows that I have PTSD because of my abusive ex, but I haven’t felt brave enough to talk openly about it yet. As far as I know, he hasn’t found my blog.

I am a bit worried about him finding my blog. My reasons are complicated.

I said to him that I can’t stop him from finding it but I do think needs to consider the implication of reading something painful, and something even connected to him or our relationship.

This blog has been a crutch for me during my darkest hours but I do wonder if it is time to let it go now.

I don’t want to fuck anything up so I need to think more on that.

I am still a bit broken and I am scared but I decided (before I even met him in person) to have faith in him and see where it goes.

For the first time this year I am truly happy and inspired. I am feeling so much stronger and my “bad days” are few and far between at the moment. Hence why I have been posting less frequently.

So yeah, things are good right now.

Thank you universe, finally you cut me some slack!

Dear Soulmate

Are you out there somewhere? Is there such a thing as a soul mate?

It’s comforting to believe that’s there is such a thing. I’d rather believe he is still out there somewhere but we haven’t found each other yet.

I don’t fancy many people on this planet.

Sometimes I think I’m a little bit Asexual but not completely.

I say “a little” Asexual because I do experience desire. It’s rare but when I do experience it fully, I’m 100% sure that I like them.

Then I will fall for them, hard and fast. That’s when I’m passionate and intense in a relationship.

Its feels so out of reach at the moment and I crave it so much.

This stuff is very confusing to me and I find myself analysing about it this stuff about it a lot.

I think I need the intensity because otherwise I’m mostly numb inside.

I read this back and it feels like a drunk post or something, but I haven’t touched a drink in over a week.

Today I downloaded Tinder again and had a look at my old profile. It was so mundane and factual.

I deleted the description and instead I tried to write something raw and meaningful:

“Song lyrics matter.

Not the colour of your skin.

Religion is a waste of time.

Party politics are a distraction.

Looking for a connection, something real.

We are all insecure humans trying to survive.

Let’s lose ourselves.

It’s love or death.”

Guys on Tinder will probably read it and think I’m fucking insane. I’m at a stage in my life now where I’m starting to care less.

I’m still in pain. I’m still lonely.

But the good news is, I’m feeling stronger and starting to believe like I deserve to be loved and cared for.

I’m still sad but I’m starting to believe in myself again.

Pain of Rejection

I did a shameful thing at my brothers birthday party last night. I drunkenly broke down crying in the middle of the night club.

Yep, I’m THAT girl.

I broke down for a very simple reason and that’s because I felt rejected by someone.

The background to this is my brother has been trying to get me to date one of his closest friends. For months now he’s been telling me that I should ask him out but I’ve refused to do it.

Not because I don’t like him.

My reason (justification) for not asking him out is, if he was interested then he would ask me out on a date, right?

My brother is saying this guy is too shy to ask me out so it’s on me to make the first move.

What no one seems to understand is how much of an insecure fucking wreck I am.

Even the thought of asking someone out makes me want to vomit. The thought of them potentially saying no is enough to destroy me.

I know my brother is trying to help me but I don’t think he realises just how fragile I am. Or maybe he does which is why he wants me to be with his friend, who he says would NEVER ever hurt me.

Since the breakup from my abusive ex, my brother has been very protective over me and is determined to make sure that I’m never in a situation like that ever again.

He and his wife were the ones who – quite literally – picked up the pieces and help me rebuild my life.

Anyways, back to last night…

His friend was at the party, we were sat at a table discussing how old we are. His friend says he is a year older than me. I pointed out that always assumed he was younger, like a similar age to my brother.

When my brother heard this he started ranting at me, saying I should ask him out etc – it got a bit heated (we were all very drunk).

Anyways, I thought fine I’ll say something so I asked him if he knew my brother wanted us to be together and he was said yes.

I then, awkwardly, asked him, “so, uh…what do you think about this?”

The whole time we hadn’t made eye contact, so his eyes were to the ground and he said, “I don’t know…”

To me that was a very strong “no!” which tore me up.

I texted my brother and said, “he’s not interested, see I told you! Now leave me alone. I’m quite sad now actually, thanks!”

I left the group sitting at the table. I went to the bar, bought a strong overpriced cocktail, downed it and mixed in with the crowd in the middle of dance floor.

Tears started rolling down my face so I stayed buried in the crowds so no one could see me like like this.

I was worried about my eye liner running and causing embarrassment to my brother in front of his friends so I tried to pull myself together.

I was calming down when I felt a hand reach round my waist and there he was.

He asked me if I wanted another drink.

I said yes.

He kissed me.

I was stunned.

The rest of the night is a blur. Nights out with my brothers friends are always so much fun.

At one point I remember agreeing to go for a date with him in a fortnight.

I should feel excited but I instead I’m feeling like the only reason this happened is because I got upset and ran off.

I feel like the only reason he asked me out is because my brother has talked him into it.

This is all kinds of messed up.

This is going to hurt me. I know it is because I think I really like him.

Fuck.

Love is a drug

I started dating someone and I am thinking it might go somewhere.

Full disclosure, we have only been on one date. And yes, this is a strange thing for me to say.

I am totally getting ahead of myself.

I KNOW.

Before sounding like I have lost my mind (which is yesterdays news anyways), I will try to explain.

We went on our first date about a month ago, which went well but for various reasons we haven’t had a chance to go on a second date. These being, he is now overseas on holiday – and, in his words, he took it too literally when I said to him “see you in September then”

*facepalm*

Anyways, we are talking a lot, and I like him a lot.

Hes so sweet… I told him I feel bad because I am distracting him from his holiday but he is determined to keep the dialogue (and pic swapping) going.

I don’t talk about it much but I have told him about my past relationship, the abuse, the PTSD and the nightmares. It is so easy to talk to him about this stuff.

An interesting thing happened yesterday at work, which has thrown up some interesting challenges that I am not able to write about yet. When I had an emotional meltdown about it, all I wanted was for him to be there.

And he kind of was, from a distance.

Shit – I barely know him, and out of nowhere I am getting the feels – which is utterly perplexing. It’s nice, but it’s mixed with fear and my brain is like WTF IS GOING ON!!!

Can’t compute.

I googled the science of falling in love today – like, proper research and science stuff.

Did you know that scientists reckon that falling in love affects the same brain reward circuits as cocaine and heroin?

Help.

If we extend this theory to someone like me, vulnerable and a recent victim of domestic violence – then maybe we have some kind of explanation for how I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I need to rein it in and protect myself? How do I even do that?

I’m not seeing any red flags???

Or maybe its as simple as, I have met someone really special and I just need to chill the fuck out and run with it.

I really don’t want to get hurt again.

Any ideas?