Just over a month ago I published Dear Soulmate. Without realising it at the time, that post marked a major milestone in my recovery journey. At the time of writing I was starting to believe that I was lovable and deserving of love.
Last weekend I met someone really fucking amazing. He is gorgeous, kind and loving.
We have so much in common but most importantly we had an instant connection. We didn’t have to play the weird dating game thing. We knew we wanted to be together from the first day we met.
It’s early days but in his own words, “when you know, you know”.
The problem I have is I feel like none of this is real. I am terrified that I’ll wake up to realise that all of this is a dream.
He knows that I have PTSD because of my abusive ex, but I haven’t felt brave enough to talk openly about it yet. As far as I know, he hasn’t found my blog.
I am a bit worried about him finding my blog. My reasons are complicated.
I said to him that I can’t stop him from finding it but I do think needs to consider the implication of reading something painful, and something even connected to him or our relationship.
This blog has been a crutch for me during my darkest hours but I do wonder if it is time to let it go now.
I don’t want to fuck anything up so I need to think more on that.
I am still a bit broken and I am scared but I decided (before I even met him in person) to have faith in him and see where it goes.
For the first time this year I am truly happy and inspired. I am feeling so much stronger and my “bad days” are few and far between at the moment. Hence why I have been posting less frequently.
So yeah, things are good right now.
Thank you universe, finally you cut me some slack!
I did a shameful thing at my brothers birthday party last night. I drunkenly broke down crying in the middle of the night club.
Yep, I’m THAT girl.
I broke down for a very simple reason and that’s because I felt rejected by someone.
The background to this is my brother has been trying to get me to date one of his closest friends. For months now he’s been telling me that I should ask him out but I’ve refused to do it.
Not because I don’t like him.
My reason (justification) for not asking him out is, if he was interested then he would ask me out on a date, right?
My brother is saying this guy is too shy to ask me out so it’s on me to make the first move.
What no one seems to understand is how much of an insecure fucking wreck I am.
Even the thought of asking someone out makes me want to vomit. The thought of them potentially saying no is enough to destroy me.
I know my brother is trying to help me but I don’t think he realises just how fragile I am. Or maybe he does which is why he wants me to be with his friend, who he says would NEVER ever hurt me.
Since the breakup from my abusive ex, my brother has been very protective over me and is determined to make sure that I’m never in a situation like that ever again.
He and his wife were the ones who – quite literally – picked up the pieces and help me rebuild my life.
Anyways, back to last night…
His friend was at the party, we were sat at a table discussing how old we are. His friend says he is a year older than me. I pointed out that always assumed he was younger, like a similar age to my brother.
When my brother heard this he started ranting at me, saying I should ask him out etc – it got a bit heated (we were all very drunk).
Anyways, I thought fine I’ll say something so I asked him if he knew my brother wanted us to be together and he was said yes.
I then, awkwardly, asked him, “so, uh…what do you think about this?”
The whole time we hadn’t made eye contact, so his eyes were to the ground and he said, “I don’t know…”
To me that was a very strong “no!” which tore me up.
I texted my brother and said, “he’s not interested, see I told you! Now leave me alone. I’m quite sad now actually, thanks!”
I left the group sitting at the table. I went to the bar, bought a strong overpriced cocktail, downed it and mixed in with the crowd in the middle of dance floor.
Tears started rolling down my face so I stayed buried in the crowds so no one could see me like like this.
I was worried about my eye liner running and causing embarrassment to my brother in front of his friends so I tried to pull myself together.
I was calming down when I felt a hand reach round my waist and there he was.
He asked me if I wanted another drink.
I said yes.
He kissed me.
I was stunned.
The rest of the night is a blur. Nights out with my brothers friends are always so much fun.
At one point I remember agreeing to go for a date with him in a fortnight.
I should feel excited but I instead I’m feeling like the only reason this happened is because I got upset and ran off.
I feel like the only reason he asked me out is because my brother has talked him into it.
This is all kinds of messed up.
This is going to hurt me. I know it is because I think I really like him.
I started dating someone and I am thinking it might go somewhere.
Full disclosure, we have only been on one date. And yes, this is a strange thing for me to say.
I am totally getting ahead of myself.
Before sounding like I have lost my mind (which is yesterdays news anyways), I will try to explain.
We went on our first date about a month ago, which went well but for various reasons we haven’t had a chance to go on a second date. These being, he is now overseas on holiday – and, in his words, he took it too literally when I said to him “see you in September then”
Anyways, we are talking a lot, and I like him a lot.
Hes so sweet… I told him I feel bad because I am distracting him from his holiday but he is determined to keep the dialogue (and pic swapping) going.
I don’t talk about it much but I have told him about my past relationship, the abuse, the PTSD and the nightmares. It is so easy to talk to him about this stuff.
An interesting thing happened yesterday at work, which has thrown up some interesting challenges that I am not able to write about yet. When I had an emotional meltdown about it, all I wanted was for him to be there.
And he kind of was, from a distance.
Shit – I barely know him, and out of nowhere I am getting the feels – which is utterly perplexing. It’s nice, but it’s mixed with fear and my brain is like WTF IS GOING ON!!!
I googled the science of falling in love today – like, proper research and science stuff.
Did you know that scientists reckon that falling in love affects the same brain reward circuits as cocaine and heroin?
If we extend this theory to someone like me, vulnerable and a recent victim of domestic violence – then maybe we have some kind of explanation for how I am feeling at the moment.
Maybe I need to rein it in and protect myself? How do I even do that?
I’m not seeing any red flags???
Or maybe its as simple as, I have met someone really special and I just need to chill the fuck out and run with it.
Just a quick update as I haven’t been posting much lately.
Leo is settling in nicely. He’s so affectionate, sleeps beside me at night and follows me around the house. It’s so endearing.
He’s looking really well, much better since he was first rescued. I’ve spent lots of time grooming and pampering him. I had to buy some interesting contraptions that deal with long hair and managed to get all the knots and dreads out. He’s so beautiful.
For some reason he has gone off wet food. I’ve now tried every “high quality” veterinary brand available and he seems to prefer the dry food. Very confusing, but he’s is eating lots, drinking lots of water and looks happy so I’ll try not to obsess about it.
I had a serious wobbler at work on Friday, sent some angry emails, etc. It was not as bad as it could have been but I felt so sad / angry / frustrated that I was close to packing it all in. If you read my last post then this wouldn’t be surprising to you…I was definitely ready to burst.
I’m glad that there was a couple of days build-up and I didn’t just “snap”. I was passive aggressive as fuck which is perversely, preferable in a corporate environment.
What else can I say. I was in a bit of a state but I don’t really want to write about it just now because I’ll get upset again.
I know I need to find a way to address some things that are bothering me, but I probably won’t. Not in a healthy way – it will escalate and I’ll have to be forced before I can have those difficult conversations with people.
For now I’m going to bury my head in the sand and wait to be pushed.
I’m still not feeling particularly sociable moment. I have a select few trusted people that I want to be around. Everyone else seems like hard work at the moment, particularly those who are opinionated or come with their own issues that they want to project on to me. I just don’t have the energy for any kind of toxic bullshit at the moment.
I decided not to go on that “third date” because something didn’t sit right with me. He has since informed me that he’s found my blog, made a weird comment implying I have gender privilege because I can talk about being a victim of domestic abuse.
Having seen a couple of passive aggressive posts and hashtags on Instagram, (presumably because I don’t want to see him again), I think I might have dodged some kind of bullet there.
Not that I’m losing sleep over this but I’m really fucking tetchy right now but if I’m honest, it doesn’t take much for me to feel harassed.
So, I’m not officially dating anyone but I’m getting plenty of affection from the opposite sex. I’ve taken the next step in my recovery and allowed myself some intimacy with a few people that I trust.
I’ve said this before, I’m incredibly lucky for all the lovely gentlemen in my life, for all the ways they have helped me whilst I’ve been at my lowest.
I have amazing bonds with most of my exes and a few of them have been taking care of me since leaving my abusive relationship. For those that are geographically close to me, we’ve been able to spend quality time together…no agenda, a home cooked meal, cuddles and kisses on the sofa. I’ve felt cared for and safe enough to fall asleep in their arms.
I can’t think of anything more tender and healing than this. Exactly what I need right now and I’m so grateful. I’m more than happy with how things are at the moment.
Of course I want nothing more than to fall madly in love with someone amazing…but I’ve accepted that healing from domestic abuse will be a long and painful journey.
I’m in a much better place and I can afford to be patient with myself.
Hobbies n Activities
I’m appreciating my freedom and how I don’t have to ask for persmission to do the things that I love.
I’ve had a action filled bank holiday weekend full of surfing, hiking and managed to squeeze in a bike ride in the forest.
I really can’t complain.
I’m not gaming as much now that the weather has improved but last weekend I did buy the DLC for The Division 2 and spent a whole day gaming (which was amazing).
Health and Well-being
My overall health and well-being is improving. My energy levels are good and with the warmer weather I’m getting outdoors to do lots of fun stuff.
I am still not eating well or cooking proper meals for myself. Unless someone else feeds me I will just resort to microwave meals, cerials, nuts fruit and tinned soup.
It doesn’t sound so bad but the reason it pains me is because I have never lived on microwaves meals before. It’s just not me – I am half Iranian and was brought up to cook my meals from scratch. if I find the motivation to eat well and cook for myself again then I’ll feel more like myself. My routines will be back to where they were before the abuse started. Before my system of living was taken away from me.
To conclude, I’m okay right now, things are “up and down”.
I am still trying to find my way back to normality.
I know there’s some difficult times ahead with work and my PTSD. I’m very much reliant on my support network but I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s the best I can do right now.