I’ve mentioned before about how I struggle to sleep without self-medicating, (drugs, alcohol, etc) a direct result of PTSD.
As of February this year I started my recovery journey as a survivor of domestic abuse.
I have an ADHD diagnosis as well as Autism, anxiety (full blown panic attacks).
My childhood and upbringing was toxic, and oppressive to say the least.
With all this said, you can imagine that I am working so hard just to keep my head above water. I’m barely functioning with the cards I was dealt.
So of course, any kind of traumatic event is more than just “destabilising” for me. It doesn’t take much for something to completely derail me.
If I’m constantly anxious then I’m getting increasingly fatigued but with my cortisol levels through the roof, I’m wired as fuck but running on empty.
I want to try and sleep without drugging myself or drinking alcohol but my brain won’t shut up.
Im not getting a good nights sleep, which is affecting my ADHD which means my thoughts are completely disjointed which is causing me to panic even more.
Every night I’m battling the urge to drink or drug myself to sleep.
Some nights I win and some nights I lose.
If I win I will eventually fall asleep and get a few hours in. I feel like shit but I’m one step closer to being less dependent on drink or drugs.
On the nights that I lose I get a solid 8 hour sleep. On one hand I hate myself for being weak but I find that I focus really well at work – which makes me feel calmer…
Until it’s time to go to sleep again and the battle starts all over again.
So last night I won – about 3/4 hours sleep I think – but I must have looked so rough for a colleague to point out to me that I look tired.
Fuck I felt such a pang in my heart when they said that.
Not much else to say on this other than, tonight, I lose.