Botox & Ready Meals

One good thing right now is, work matters have settled down.

But now that I have job security I’ve plummeted back to my everyday anxieties, insecurities and obsessing about all the things I need to change about myself.

I was recently complimented because of how well I “look after myself”.

This was in reaction to how my weekends this month are booked up at various salons for treatments like Botox, Fillers, nail extensions, eyebrow microblading, hair cut and colour, etc.

Was it a complement or a dig? It doesn’t matter because it was triggering all the same.

Triggered because I know myself that what I’m doing and what is driving me right now is really fucking unhealthy.

People see a version of me that has her shit together – and why wouldn’t they I suppose.

I struggle with everyday conversations with people that have no clue what’s really going on with me.

People make small talk and I’m trying to respond appropriately, find the right words, facial expressions and tone of voice to hide the fact that IM FUCKING SCREAMING INSIDE.

Life is easier if I don’t have to engage in small talk. Especially not in work.

I’m sat here at work in the lunch room now.

I’m trying to avoid eye contact with people, hoping they leave me alone so I can finish eating my microwave meal in peace.

Leave me to my thoughts and miseries thank you very much.

Thoughts like, why is my head spinning? Oh yeah, I’m chronically dehydrated and my cortisol levels are through the fucking roof.

Don’t speak to me, don’t ask me questions.

Stop reminding me of the fact that I’m not okay.

Stop making me lie about how I’m focusing on the wrong things and I’m not actually looking after myself.

Stop making me gloss over the fact that what I am doing isn’t self-care, because I’m driven by persistent feelings of shame and self-loathing.

You don’t want to hear me say that I think I’m ugly and I hate what I see in the mirror.

You don’t want me to get dark and morbid about how I want to erase the old me and start again.

What if I told you that I’m getting Botox because I feel empty and worthless?

What if I said actually, I wish I never existed and I’ve found a way to make that happen without taking my own life?

Looking after myself, my arse.

Tired and sore

img_2149This picture was taken last week, shortly after we reached the top of Cadair Idris and I cried. Tears of sadness and release. My sister in law was respectful about it and kept it to herself.

I haven’t posted in a while as I was out and about for most of my trip in Snowdonia. I went with my brother and his wife with a friend tagging along as well for a couple of days. We stayed in a gorgeous cottage on the coast of South Snowdonia.

The trip was a success. The weather was gorgeous, I climbed the biggest mountains, explored forests, ate yummy food and even managed to squeeze in some mountain biking. I was impressed by my sister in law who was able to keep up with me and my shenanigans for the majority of the trip.

I smoked weed on one of the nights and it reminded me why I don’t smoke anymore. It was nice and relaxing to begin with but then I just felt tired and hazy and it felt like it didn’t wear off for a few days. It makes my ADHD worse thats for sure – definately not worth it. I wont be touching it again any time soon.

I got back home last night. I unpacked, went food shopping and re-organised my life.

Today I am sore, tired and I look like I have been hit by a bus.

I am going rock climbing with my friend this morning, and then I have a couple of dates lined up over the weekend.

I shouldn’t go on the dates because I promised myself that I would use this weekend to build the Ikea furniture (to replace what my ex smashed up).

On Monday I have a 2-day training course and then I have to go back to work on Wednesday.

Busy.

Anxiety is slowly creeping in.

Back to reality.

An escape from reality

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This is my home for the next week, a gorgeous little cottage in a coastal village in Snowdonia National Park, Wales.  I took this picture as soon as we arrived on Friday – I tried to write an update but I was too tired from driving.

Yesterday I climbed the famous Mount Snowdon, the highest mountain in Wales.  I have wanted to climb it for years but never got round to it. I should feel proud of myself as it is the biggest mountain in Wales at over 1000m but I don’t really.

Truth be told, I feel really shit about myself. I feel so fat and ugly right now that the whole time I was climbing the mountain, I was cursing and punishing myself. I was so hungry at times but I only allowed myself some fruit and the water.

This morning I woke up feeling a little bit of sadness and I think it is because my ex was supposed to be on this holiday with us. I caught myself wondering if he would’ve liked the bedroom and if the bed was comfortable enough for him so he could get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling refreshed.  There’s a part of me that really misses him. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad he isn’t here because the trip would have been utterly stressful and exhausting.

My therapist told me that I am grieving still, which makes sense – but still a total headfuck. Right now in this moment I have 100 reasons to be really, really happy but I am not.

My life is much easier now.  I have more freedom and I don’t have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. No-one is going to get upset or pissed off with me.

I look around me and I everything I see is beautiful. The cottage is surrounded by plush gardens and just stones throw away from the sea.

It’s Easter Sunday, I woke up to birdsong and pancakes on the table for breakfast.  My brother and sister in law are lovely, gentle and kind and they make me feel loved. Also a couple of my friends will be joining us later on in the week.

I have nothing to worry about.

I should be happy.

This week was supposed to be an esape for me but instead I have come face to face with the reality that:

  1. I am full of self loathing and I hate my appearance
  2. I am still greiving about the end of the relationship.

What if this week can be about purging and cleansing myself of all the shit? I wish.

Anyways, today is going to be another hot day. I am going to sign off now – get my hiking kit on and venture out to do another mountain, a big one.

All I can think to do now is climb and climb until eventually, the pain in my legs is greater than the pain in my heart.

 

 

 

Angels and Demons

I only have 30 mins to write so I decided to write about the first thing I could see in front of me, and that thing (IT) is my creepy work mug. It is my favourite mug at the moment and as you can see, it’s Pennywise the clown from the recent remake of Stephen Kings IT.

There’s a funny story about my creepy work mug. I bought it just after watching the movie in the cinema because I think clowns are cool, the movie was good and I have a bit of a crush on Bill Skarsgård.

I bought it for work specifically, and guessed there would someone at work who would find it distasteful. I was naughtily looking forward to an interaction about it which I would find entertaining.

What I didn’t realise was that actually one of my own team mates is absolutely terrified of clowns!

I don’t know how I missed that detail. I must have been in a world of my own because I failed to notice that it was actually a big deal. Someone had recently pulled a clown-flavoured prank on them and they were still very upset about it. So unfortunately, when she saw my mug she assumed that I was taking the piss – but I really wasn’t and it took some convincing on my part for her to believe me.

Another story about my creepy work mug is I thought I had lost it. A few days ago I was working late at the office and the lady who cleans our office spoke to me to say she found it on a different floor and brought it upstairs for me to use tomorrow. I swear there are angels walking on earth right beside us but we’re too fucking ignorant to see them.

Sorry if this post was boring or irrelevant. I needed to write but I won’t have anymore time today. I have some last minute shopping and packing to do before I go on holiday with my brother and sister in law.

I really can’t wait, we are heading to North Wales and staying in Snowdonia – its going to be so lush!