The last time I posted about dating, I was excited and optimistic about having met someone new.
We waited a month to have our second date because he was overseas on holiday but we were texting a lot and I can sincerely say that we had an amazing connection.
However, to put it bluntly, the second date was a total fucking disaster.
Idecided very early on in the second date that I didn’t fancy him anymore…but I ignored my feelings and tried to make it work.
He wasn’t very talkative, quite shy so I worked quite hard to avoid it being awkward.
I got drunk and tried to have a nice time. the rest of the night is a blur. Of the bits I can remember, I would rather forget,
To say that the overall experience disappointing would be the kindest thing I could say.
I woke up in my bed, with him lying next to me. I had a stinking hangover and felt totally repulsed.
I dragged myself out of bed and had a shower. Whilst in the shower I continued to ignore my feelings and convinced myself that I could turn it around.
I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to continue the date. So I drove us to this cute place in town for a “romantic” breakfast.
It really wasn’t.
Much like last night, he wasn’t talkative and I tried my best to fill the silence with nice things like admiring the decor but eventually I gave up on it.
My next move was to get him back to his car which was parked at my house so we could say our goodbyes – but he didn’t leave – he followed me into my house.
I didn’t know what to do.
I made us a cup of tea and I told him that at some point I will need to get going because I had lots of errands and things to do.
He said “okay”, then took his shoes off and made himself very comfortable on my couch.
We watched a couple of episodes of The Spy on Netflix – which I thought will bore the fuck out of him (political dramas are not his bag) but he persevered.
Finally I plucked up the courage, got up from the couch and said, “okay that’s it now – I have stuff to do so I’m going to load my car with stuff for the recycling station”.
I took the loads to my car and then with my keys in my hand I said to him, “right I have to go now” and he said “okay, do you need any help?” and I told him that I’m meeting a friend who is helping me.
“Okay” he said. He turned and continued watching the TV.
I started trembling and I abruptly told him “you need to leave now!”.
He was apologetic and left the house with me, we hugged, he got in his car and instead of driving off, he just sat there.
So, I’m still trembling at this point as I back my car out of the drive – I could see him in his car just staring at me as I drive off.
He made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable but I can’t be angry at him because I don’t think it’s his fault.
It’s my own fault. I should be angry at myself for ignoring my feelings.
I should be angry that I didn’t kick him out sooner. I was the one who let the date continue to the point where I felt trapped and anxious about telling him to leave.
You could say that I led him on but it’s more complicated than that.
I honestly thought I liked him – but none of it was true…it was all in my head.
The truth is, I totally deluded myself.
I made myself believe that I liked him and that I fancied him. When it wasn’t going well I tried to force the situation and it didn’t end well.
I think I did this because I was so lonely, because I desperately want a boyfriend.
The second date was a complete shit show and I only have myself to blame.
Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.
The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.
I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.
I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.
He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.
He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.
I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.
I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.
Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.
As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.
I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.
I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.
All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.
What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.
I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.
If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.
I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?