I felt I was doing much better in my recovery (and I am feeling better) – which is probably why I have neglected my blog for so long.
Ironically, not blogging means that I haven’t had a healthy emotional outlet.
I have said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I have done things I can’t take back.
Last week I ended up losing my shit at work – multiple times. My feelings behind the outbursts where legit – but if I wasn’t hormonal, ADHD as fuck and in full control of my impulses then I wouldn’t have had any of the confrontations that have left the receiver shocked and “needing to digest” what I said to them.
The upshot of all this is that I will probably find myself demoted from my management position as of April 2020.
What else…I’m still single, still going on dates.
I do have something to look forward to this weekend as I have a date with guy who seems really cool.
I know I’m always really optimistic in the beginning but we do have an insane amount of things in common. He is a games developer…errr, I don’t want to say too much at this stage but what I will say is there’s been a lot of spooky coincidences.
Already he’s had me in tears because I’m a bit of a state at the moment. The scenario was, we were talking about holidays and he asked me what I thought about going on Safari in Africa to elephants! That would be my dream come true!
I apologised for being emotional and told him I was hormonal. I’m surprised I didn’t scare him off…
I haven’t told him anything about the past abuse, PTSD, my ADHD, Autism. I don’t want to put him off meeting me.
Still living with a lot of shame and self down but I am feeling hopeful.
If you are reading this please wish me luck! I really really deserve a break from the universe for a change.
I’ve had a stressful day at work today. Actually, it’s been a really stressful week and I am kind of pissed off right now.
I’ve had to put up with full-days of being stuck in a room with collegues, back-to-back meetings about business challenges and software solutions. The sessions have intense, with an insane mix of people from all over the business.
As you can imagine, there’s been a few egos in the room and a few uncomfortable moments. Scenarios like, someone will say something weird / cryptic / irrational or thrown some kind of shade at me. Every time without fail, I am left there, autistically dumbfounded, trying to unlock some kind of secrect code to decypher “what-ever-the-fuck” that was all about.
It takes me a while…I need time to process the information so I can decide whether I should be confused, frustrated or just plain fucking angry.
And like, how fucking dare they give me shade.
Seriously fucking why?!
Have they no fucking idea how hard it is for me, an ADHD person to sit in this same spot for hours on end AND try to stay focused for long enough, so I can do my fucking job.
I am locked in a room with a group of people who have no appreciation about how much effort it takes to act normal. To stop myself fidgeting. To follow the pace of the conversation so I don’t talk out of turn. To stop myself stimming and chewing my fucking cuticles to the bone till my fingers bleed.
Through all of this I am battling the urge excuse myself, walk out the room and run as far away as possible because the alternative is I might just fucking scream.
I have to hide the fact that actually, I just want to say to people:
Please stop getting offended because I disagree with you on something. You don’t have to be “right” all the time. I am impaired and you are making it REALLY difficult for me to do my job. This is not about you.
Please be polite and notice how I am trying to be polite to you, even though you have been unreasonable towards me. I am impaired and it’s SUPER hard for me to control my impulses. The least you can do is try a little bit.
Please be kind and please care about me because I am impaired.
But you don’t understand my impairments and you won’t understand, because you don’t care.
So you won’t be kind or polite and you really really need to be right. So eventually I will totally lose my shit, and then I’ll scream at you. Then everything will be a mess and I won’t be able to fix it.
I recently got involved with an adventure activity company. I have been on a few trips so far and I can sincerely say that they are a lovely bunch. I was asked by the owner to help out as a volunteer and in return I can come along to all of his events for free.
I am really looking forward to this new chapter in my life.
This is such good news for me because I don’t have many friends who enjoy outdoorsy activities. Normally I do things on my own which is risky and I am prone to taking unnecessary risks and getting lost. I have’t had anything awful happen (a couple of near misses) but this way, I will get to do what I love and meet new people, in a much safer environment.
As I spend more time with the group, I’ll be getting to know them better and at some point someone will want to know more about me. At some point some of the icky things about my life will come up in conversation. If they ask about my relationship status I’ll be struggling to find an answer that is authentic and appropriate.
I don’t want to talk about surviving domestic abuse, or how I’ve been spending my time with the various health professionals, victim support providers and the criminal justice system (which is taking up a lot of time and head space at the moment).
People are trying really hard to get to know me and I’m struggling to gloss over all the shit that I’m going through. It’s getting harder to avoid the icky topics, in a way that is kind and friendly.
Also I’m worried about “oversharing”. Ever since I can remember, people have pointed out that when I get talking about myself I tend to over-share, which is a bad thing. I am told that it can be inappropriate or awkward for other people.
Getting this feedback from people is really embarrassing for me.
Oversharing also leaves me vulnerable, I’ve been told.
Apparently I have weak boundaries.
It is common knowledge that over-sharing of personal information is a classic ADHD thing (AKA impulse control issues). And we know that for people on the Autism spectrum, it’s down to having under-developed social skills.
So as an Autistic ADHDer, it is extra difficult for me to say the right things at the right time. I’m high functioning and reasonably self-aware, so I’ve found ways to rein it in, but it takes ALOT of effort and only works to a point.
It is much easier if I just avoid talking about myself. The best way I can describe how I do this is, I build this invisible wall around me and I don’t open up to anyone outside the wall. This feels safe but it doesn’t really work because once the seal is broken then all the icky stuff pours out and I don’t know where to draw the line.
I’m not sure what is “too much information”.
In my current place of work, it took me about a year to have an honest conversation about my personal life with my colleagues. It was a really big deal to them that I opened up finally. Now I wish I hadn’t shared some things because people use your icky stuff to make fun of you.
“We know all about your track record with men, ha ha ha!”
It really hurts when they do that – but they tell you it’s harmless fun. But it still hurts.
I have to say that as I get older, I’m feeling increasingly uncomfortable talking about myself to strangers. It’s even worse when someone shows a genuine interest in me. If someone I don’t know starts asking personal questions I actually find myself freaking out a bit.
I know, in theory, that there is a balance to be had – especially with people that you work with.
I say too much. I don’t say enough.
I just can’t get the balance right. I don’t know how to be social and share little bits about myself in a way that’s friendly and appropriate (i.e. how humans should behave).
On the other extreme, if I really like the person (which equates to, we have similar traits and vulnerabilities) then I will open them straight away – usually because I want to make them feel understood, accepted and supported.
Usually it’s because I want to help.
I know, in theory about bad people masked as victims or tortured souls.
I know in theory, that I shouldn’t open up and trust people, purely on the basis that they are nice to me.
The reality is, I don’t have any reliable measures to keep myself safe. I don’t know who to trust.