The second date sucked

The last time I posted about dating, I was excited and optimistic about having met someone new.

We waited a month to have our second date because he was overseas on holiday but we were texting a lot and I can sincerely say that we had an amazing connection.

However, to put it bluntly, the second date was a total fucking disaster.

Idecided very early on in the second date that I didn’t fancy him anymore…but I ignored my feelings and tried to make it work.

He wasn’t very talkative, quite shy so I worked quite hard to avoid it being awkward.

I got drunk and tried to have a nice time. the rest of the night is a blur. Of the bits I can remember, I would rather forget,

To say that the overall experience disappointing would be the kindest thing I could say.

I woke up in my bed, with him lying next to me. I had a stinking hangover and felt totally repulsed.

I dragged myself out of bed and had a shower. Whilst in the shower I continued to ignore my feelings and convinced myself that I could turn it around.

I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to continue the date. So I drove us to this cute place in town for a “romantic” breakfast.

It really wasn’t.

Much like last night, he wasn’t talkative and I tried my best to fill the silence with nice things like admiring the decor but eventually I gave up on it.

My next move was to get him back to his car which was parked at my house so we could say our goodbyes – but he didn’t leave – he followed me into my house.

I didn’t know what to do.

I made us a cup of tea and I told him that at some point I will need to get going because I had lots of errands and things to do.

He said “okay”, then took his shoes off and made himself very comfortable on my couch.

We watched a couple of episodes of The Spy on Netflix – which I thought will bore the fuck out of him (political dramas are not his bag) but he persevered.

Finally I plucked up the courage, got up from the couch and said, “okay that’s it now – I have stuff to do so I’m going to load my car with stuff for the recycling station”.

I took the loads to my car and then with my keys in my hand I said to him, “right I have to go now” and he said “okay, do you need any help?” and I told him that I’m meeting a friend who is helping me.

“Okay” he said. He turned and continued watching the TV.

I started trembling and I abruptly told him “you need to leave now!”.

He was apologetic and left the house with me, we hugged, he got in his car and instead of driving off, he just sat there.

Wtf?

So, I’m still trembling at this point as I back my car out of the drive – I could see him in his car just staring at me as I drive off.

He made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable but I can’t be angry at him because I don’t think it’s his fault.

It’s my own fault. I should be angry at myself for ignoring my feelings.

I should be angry that I didn’t kick him out sooner. I was the one who let the date continue to the point where I felt trapped and anxious about telling him to leave.

You could say that I led him on but it’s more complicated than that.

I honestly thought I liked him – but none of it was true…it was all in my head.

The truth is, I totally deluded myself.

I made myself believe that I liked him and that I fancied him. When it wasn’t going well I tried to force the situation and it didn’t end well.

I think I did this because I was so lonely, because I desperately want a boyfriend.

The second date was a complete shit show and I only have myself to blame.

I’m feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

I’m such a fucking mess.

Sleep walking to addiction

Over the last few weeks I have spent most evenings under the influence of alcohol. I haven’t been able to sleep without it.

It all started when I got some news about changes at work, which was isn’t the end of the world but destabilising – so I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism

I hate myself for it.

I am a social drinker and alcohol was never a coping mechanism for me in the past.

I come from a family of alcoholics on my mums side, so my relationship with alcohol is messed up. I actually hate it and I hate myself for needing it to cope right now.

Part of the distress I am going through is feeling that I’m not in control and at the same time my brain trying to rationalise WHY I have I started using it now.

I normally drink craft beer or pale ale and now I’m on the Gin & Tonic of all things. I don’t even really like Gin but this fancy flavoured stuff is so damn strong at 40% alc.vol – it gets me where I need to be in a *very* short space of time.

I’m trying to justify it to myself – like, I am struggling to sleep and alcohol makes me sleepy quite quickly, and I feel a million times better if I’ve had a proper nights sleep.

How the fuck has piece of news like this sent me spiralling again?

It’s because I’m still very fragile.

I mean, I know that a big change at work is destabilising for anyone – and of course something like this will cause me a bit of an autistic meltdown.

Is my fragility (PTSD) an explanation for taking alcohol as a coping mechanism?

I’m thinking back to my relationship with my abuser and how his drug and alcohol addiction affected me.

He would drink every night and I ended up drinking with him. I was only having a couple of beers but I was drinking just because he was. I was able to nip it in the bud.

But I’m also remembering the drug addiction part. Like, how he would torment me and then administer Xanax to calm me down. Xanax isn’t prescribed in the UK and he bought them illegally from the dark web.

Needless to say, I was dependent on his supply and this was one of the ways he had control over me.

The physical withdrawals coming off the Xanax were insane. The only thing that got me through it was knowing that for as long as I was dependent on the Xanax then I wouldn’t be able to leave him.

Anyways, back to now…I was doing so well but I’m back in that place struggling to sleep without alcohol or drugs.

I wanted a break off the booze so the last couple of nights I drugged myself to sleep with a cocktail of diazepam, phenegram and propranolol.

Believe it or not, the drug cocktail has made the whites of my eyes really white, which is amazing.

I feel so rested but I need to keep the drugs for emergencies.

I have half a bottle of fancy Gin (43%) in the fridge.

I know I’m sleep walking to addiction if I keep going like this but I don’t know how to break out of it.

My wounded little soldier

Leo and I are sat waiting for our vet appointment. The poor guy had a massive lump on his head which burst last night.

The smell was horrific and now he has a gaping wound. I can’t say for sure how or what caused the abscess but I *think* he was attacked by another cat.

The cat rescue told me that he isn’t good at defending himself as he was badly beaten by cats in the past (I know how that feels).

It’s frustrating because I tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he is determined to go out and has ground me down.

So I’ve just given up now. I let him run around in the garden. He doesn’t normally go far from sight but one night a few weeks ago, he disappeared.

I called him for about an hour but it got late so I had to fall asleep with my back door open, hoping he’d come home.

I discovered him sleeping next to me in the morning and when we got out of bed I noticed he was limping along next to me.

I called the vet who said to bring him in if he doesn’t improve in 24 hours. His limp went away so we didn’t go to the vet.

Anyways, I think that night he was attacked and the abscess on his head which has burst is a result of that night.

He really hates going to the vet. He’s taken a chunk out of my hand as I tried to get him in his carrier.

Such a carry on, I’m sweating still.

He’s so adorable and affectionate but he’s also stubborn with me – but a bloody wuss when it comes to looking after himself on the streets.

Little shit. But I do love him – just look at that face!

Fingers crossed he gets his treatment and it heals up okay.

Love is a drug

I started dating someone and I am thinking it might go somewhere.

Full disclosure, we have only been on one date. And yes, this is a strange thing for me to say.

I am totally getting ahead of myself.

I KNOW.

Before sounding like I have lost my mind (which is yesterdays news anyways), I will try to explain.

We went on our first date about a month ago, which went well but for various reasons we haven’t had a chance to go on a second date. These being, he is now overseas on holiday – and, in his words, he took it too literally when I said to him “see you in September then”

*facepalm*

Anyways, we are talking a lot, and I like him a lot.

Hes so sweet… I told him I feel bad because I am distracting him from his holiday but he is determined to keep the dialogue (and pic swapping) going.

I don’t talk about it much but I have told him about my past relationship, the abuse, the PTSD and the nightmares. It is so easy to talk to him about this stuff.

An interesting thing happened yesterday at work, which has thrown up some interesting challenges that I am not able to write about yet. When I had an emotional meltdown about it, all I wanted was for him to be there.

And he kind of was, from a distance.

Shit – I barely know him, and out of nowhere I am getting the feels – which is utterly perplexing. It’s nice, but it’s mixed with fear and my brain is like WTF IS GOING ON!!!

Can’t compute.

I googled the science of falling in love today – like, proper research and science stuff.

Did you know that scientists reckon that falling in love affects the same brain reward circuits as cocaine and heroin?

Help.

If we extend this theory to someone like me, vulnerable and a recent victim of domestic violence – then maybe we have some kind of explanation for how I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I need to rein it in and protect myself? How do I even do that?

I’m not seeing any red flags???

Or maybe its as simple as, I have met someone really special and I just need to chill the fuck out and run with it.

I really don’t want to get hurt again.

Any ideas?

Under Construction

Healing and rebuilding my confidence has been slow and things don’t seem to be moving as fast as I need them to.

Emotionally, I still feel like utter shit but my energy levels have been insane. I’m restless, still not sleeping well. I’ve become increasingly confrontational and rebellious. I am running my mouth off and pushing boundaries at work. Still spending money I don’t have.

I am *aware*, which is something – but I am not in control which makes this so frustrating for me. I am trying so so hard to rein myself in.

I wish I had an off button.

The best I can do is to try and channel this reckless energy into productive things.

So, here’s where I am at – I have made a list which I have organised into three categories: started, not started and done:

Started:

  • Get braces
  • Remortgage my house,
  • Redecorate and rebuild hallway and stairs (floors, walls, ceiling and electrics)
  • Lose lots of weight
  • Find a boyfriend

Not Started:

  • Visit my best friend in Scotland for his Birthday
  • Finally paint something cool on that massive blank canvas

Done:

  • Get quotes for decorating and building works
  • Go out clubbing and have a nice time (don’t have a panic attack)
  • Go on a first date and have a nice time (don’t cancel on him)
  • Redecorate my front patio
  • Removal of ivy from the side of my house
  • Garden and driveway maintenance, removal of weeds etc.

I’ve missed loads of stuff off this list but it’s enough to show what I have been up to.

I am surprised myself by the number of projects I am juggling – and this doesn’t include what I do for work. My day job needs it’s own blog post but seriously, fuck that! I’ll end up getting more stressed about work if I write about it.

So yeah, I’m totally on a mission to change everything in my life.

I am mindful that this is all sounding very unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.