One month of solitude

I just realised that it has been exactly a month since I last wrote a blog post. Instead I’ve spent a lot of time gaming and snuggling with my cat.

I haven’t felt able or motivated to write and I haven’t kept up with the mental health community on social media. I have been mentally exhausted and needed time to reflect.

At the time I started the blog and twitter account I was incredibly unstable, anxious and erratic. During this time I didn’t feel safe in my own home and I was using the platforms to distract myself and avoid being alone.

I am calmer now and this last month I have slowed right down, maybe from exhaustion.

I have been processing.

After a month of solitude, a reader reached out to me to find out why I haven’t written in so long. They asked for a link to my Amazon wish list and suggested that I will get back into writing more if I monetized my blog.

So I have been thinking about that and I have been thinking about money.

Yes, I would feel 100% more motivated to write frequently if I knew that my writing added value to someone’s life. I am not sure if monetizing my blog is a way to achieve this.

To me there are other reasons to monetize my blog.

My work and finances are in order, for now – as long as I can keep my shit together during working hours. Money will be OK if I can avoid fucking up or melting down in front of certain colleagues.

I am so worried that I will fail.

And I am worried that I have no savings.

Last Xmas, my [abusive] ex boyfriend insisted that we go on an expensive holiday so I ended up spending my savings, which wasn’t much but it was something to fall back on.

Maybe I would feel less anxious if I built up a safety net. I do need to think of ways to spend less as well as generate a little more money, purely for savings.

I am worried because I have been reckless with money.

The best way I can describe this is, after the break-up I went into a kind of “manic” state, and spent ALOT of money. Money that I don’t have. I bought a new car, cosmetic dentistry, video games, a cat, further donations to the cat shelter, cat accessories and lots of fuel to drive hundred of miles around the UK.

Unsurprisingly my monthly outgoings have doubled as I am now in tens of thousands of pounds more debt than I was before the break-up.

So really, what I should be thinking about is making more money and paying off this debt before saving anything.

After a month of solitude I am writing to say that:

1) I lost my shit and created lots of unnecessary debt for myself

2) I am a fucking idiot and I only have myself to blame

3) I will monetize my site in some way – and some people won’t like it.

Till this point, my readers and blogging community have been a glimmer of hope for me during my darkest hours.

My fear is that I monetise my site and people will think less of me and find me vulgar.

I will lose supporters (and potentially receive hate) which makes me very sad, but I think now is the time to put my big girl pants on and take a risk.

Life update: cuddles n stuff

Just a quick update as I haven’t been posting much lately.

Home

Leo is settling in nicely. He’s so affectionate, sleeps beside me at night and follows me around the house. It’s so endearing.

He’s looking really well, much better since he was first rescued. I’ve spent lots of time grooming and pampering him. I had to buy some interesting contraptions that deal with long hair and managed to get all the knots and dreads out. He’s so beautiful.

For some reason he has gone off wet food. I’ve now tried every “high quality” veterinary brand available and he seems to prefer the dry food. Very confusing, but he’s is eating lots, drinking lots of water and looks happy so I’ll try not to obsess about it.

Work

I had a serious wobbler at work on Friday, sent some angry emails, etc. It was not as bad as it could have been but I felt so sad / angry / frustrated that I was close to packing it all in. If you read my last post then this wouldn’t be surprising to you…I was definitely ready to burst.

I’m glad that there was a couple of days build-up and I didn’t just “snap”. I was passive aggressive as fuck which is perversely, preferable in a corporate environment. 

What else can I say. I was in a bit of a state but I don’t really want to write about it just now because I’ll get upset again.

I know I need to find a way to address some things that are bothering me, but I probably won’t. Not in a healthy way – it will escalate and I’ll have to be forced before I can have those difficult conversations with people.

For now I’m going to bury my head in the sand and wait to be pushed.

Social Life

I’m still not feeling particularly sociable moment. I have a select few trusted people that I want to be around. Everyone else seems like hard work at the moment, particularly those who are opinionated or come with their own issues that they want to project on to me. I just don’t have the energy for any kind of toxic bullshit at the moment.

Love Life

Non-existent.

I decided not to go on that “third date” because something didn’t sit right with me. He has since informed me that he’s found my blog, made a weird comment implying I have gender privilege because I can talk about being a victim of domestic abuse.

Having seen a couple of passive aggressive posts and hashtags on Instagram, (presumably because I don’t want to see him again), I think I might have dodged some kind of bullet there.

Not that I’m losing sleep over this but I’m really fucking tetchy right now but if I’m honest, it doesn’t take much for me to feel harassed.

Moving on!

So, I’m not officially dating anyone but I’m getting plenty of affection from the opposite sex. I’ve taken the next step in my recovery and allowed myself some intimacy with a few people that I trust.

I’ve said this before, I’m incredibly lucky for all the lovely gentlemen in my life, for all the ways they have helped me whilst I’ve been at my lowest.

I have amazing bonds with most of my exes and a few of them have been taking care of me since leaving my abusive relationship. For those that are geographically close to me, we’ve been able to spend quality time together…no agenda, a home cooked meal, cuddles and kisses on the sofa. I’ve felt cared for and safe enough to fall asleep in their arms.

I can’t think of anything more tender and healing than this. Exactly what I need right now and I’m so grateful. I’m more than happy with how things are at the moment.

Of course I want nothing more than to fall madly in love with someone amazing…but I’ve accepted that healing from domestic abuse will be a long and painful journey.

I’m in a much better place and I can afford to be patient with myself.

Hobbies n Activities

I’m appreciating my freedom and how I don’t have to ask for persmission to do the things that I love.

I’ve had a action filled bank holiday weekend full of surfing, hiking and managed to squeeze in a bike ride in the forest. 

I really can’t complain.

I’m not gaming as much now that the weather has improved but last weekend I did buy the DLC for The Division 2 and spent a whole day gaming (which was amazing).

Health and Well-being

My overall health and well-being is improving. My energy levels are good and with the warmer weather I’m getting outdoors to do lots of fun stuff.

I am still not eating well or cooking proper meals for myself. Unless someone else feeds me I will just resort to microwave meals, cerials, nuts fruit and tinned soup.

It doesn’t sound so bad but the reason it pains me is because I have never lived on microwaves meals before. It’s just not me – I am half Iranian and was brought up to cook my meals from scratch. if I find the motivation to eat well and cook for myself again then I’ll feel more like myself. My routines will be back to where they were before the abuse started. Before my system of living was taken away from me. 

To conclude, I’m okay right now, things are “up and down”.

I am still trying to find my way back to normality.

I know there’s some difficult times ahead with work and my PTSD. I’m very much reliant on my support network but I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s the best I can do right now.

I feel like I’m drowning again

Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.

The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.

I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.

I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.

He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.

Breathe.

Calm down.

He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.

I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.

I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.

Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.

As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.

I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.

I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.

All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.

What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.

I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.

If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.

I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?

I’ve been broken far too many times.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

I didn’t go to Paris

I have complex feelings about this T-shirt. First of all – I love this T-shirt because it is a gift from one of my dearest friends.

Around January this year my friend wanted me to go to Paris with him (and I should have went) but I just couldn’t do it.

At the time it felt impossible for me to break away from the situation I was in. I was in an abusive relationship with a very disturbed man. I was emotionally and psychologically trapped and I could see no way out.

It’s worth saying that my lovely friend is actually an ex-boyfriend from back in the day when we were kids. We were about 16-17 years old at the time.

He was my first love.

He knew I was in an abusive relationship because he is the person I called, each time I was in tears, falling apart and on the verge of a break down.

Inviting me to Paris was one of the many ways he tried to rescue me. I didn’t run away to Paris with him but I can sincerely say that in so many ways, he totally did rescue me.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about all the things he has done for me – because it’s private – but what I will say is that he really showed up for me.

For all the harm that was done to me, he was the one who went out of his way to help me heal from it all.

He helped me pick up the pieces, cared for me and made me feel special. One result from all the things he did, was that he helped me recognise that I didn’t deserve any of what happened to me.

I have complex feelings about the T-shirt because it reminds me of a painful time in my life but also it’s symbolic of my friends heroism.

The T-shirt reminds me of how trapped I was. It reminds me that I had a chance to escape the abusive relationship but I was too weak at the time.

The T-shirt reminds me of friendship and kindness. It reminds me that my dear friend was there for me when I really needed it.

The T-shirt reminds me of my first love. It reminds me of a time before heartbreak, before I was damaged and broken.

The T-shirt reminds me of my own self-worth. It reminds me that I might be broken but I am still lovable.

The T-shirt reminds me to be aware of dangerous people but to have faith that there are good people too.

The T-shirt reminds me not to be afraid because one of the good ones is my guardian angel.

I can’t procrastinate this weekend

Here in the UK it is officially “May-day” bank holiday weekend. I have had to cancel my camping trip so I can deal with everything that I have neglected at home. I haven’t been keeping up with any housework and there is a mountain of odd jobs that I have been putting off since January.

I still haven’t build the Ikea furniture to replace what my ex smashed up over Xmas and New Year.

The biggest motivator for me now is that someone will be visiting my house to make sure I am worthy of adopting a rescue cat (i.e. I am not a complete savage and there are no other pets in the household).

The lady from the cat rescue charity will visit 1pm on Monday and I don’t want her to see my house in this state. I look around and this not who I am but I haven’t had the strength or will to keep on top of things.

So anyways, I am going to do it this weekend and have put together a massive to do list to finish for before she arrives.

Here’s my to do list:

  • Build ikea wardrobe and drawers (to replace what my ex smashed up)
  • Clear the front driveway of weeds and rubbish
  • Clear the back garden of weeds and rubbish
  • Remove mould and mildew from the bathroom ceiling and tiles
  • Deep clean and vacumm the rest of the house
  • Take all waste (including broken furniture) to the recycling center / local skip

Someone has offered to help me with building the Ikea stuff. This is the guy I went on a couple of dates with. I told him why I have cancelled my camping trip this weekend and since then he has become determined to, in his own words, be “alpha male” and just come over and help me.

I’ve turned down his offer. I have been truthful about it and my reasoning is, my ex is the reason why my life has ended up in such a mess and I should really fix it myself.

It doesn’t feel right for me to let another man, a man who I hardly know – swoop-in and clean up the mess left by the shit-head that abused me.

I am so overwhelmed by how much I need to get done this weekend but I need to take my power back.

I need to do this alone.