I feel like I’m drowning again

Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.

The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.

I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.

I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.

He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.

Breathe.

Calm down.

He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.

I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.

I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.

Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.

As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.

I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.

I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.

All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.

What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.

I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.

If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.

I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?

I’ve been broken far too many times.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

My new man

I fell in love with an alley cat.

His name is Leo and I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on him, exactly a month ago on the 8th April.

I didn’t think I could adopt another cat after Fluffy passed away.

The story goes, Fluffy was an elderly, stray cat who very quickly became my absolute world. I know people always say this about their cats but seriously, she was awesome -the most gentle and affectionate cat I have ever met.

The tragedy about Fluffy was, she was a long-term stray and came with lot of health issues and sensitivities. Towards the end of her life she started having seizures and one day she had a very drawn out episode and didn’t recover. She was completely changed, lifeless, like a different cat. She no longer recognised me, as if her soul was missing.

The whole thing was so traumatic. I miss her so much and I still weep when I think of her.

Anyways, I was in two minds about adopting another cat (mainly because I can’t cope when I lose them) but I started following a few local cat rescue charities on Facebook.

One day, someone posted a picture of Leo describing how they just rescued him from the other side of town.

Leo’s before (right) and after (left) pics.

For some reason I just fell in love with him and knew that I had to adopt him.
Absolutely devastated at the sight of him and the state he was in I contacted the charity immediately.

The story about his past is utterly heart breaking. He was abandoned a number of years ago and was living in an alley. Now and again the residents would feed him but left him homeless – and apparently he was bullied and beaten up by other cats in the neighbourhood. He became so poorly that a concerned resident contacted the charity and he was rescued.

I’ll never forget the first time I met him in person.

His foster mummy opened his cage door, I put my head inside and he stood up and rubbed his face all over my face. I picked him up to hug him and he hugged me back.

His foster mummy broke down in tears. She said that he isn’t normally like this and hisses at people. I gave her a cuddle and cried a bit too.

This was so fated.

I’m looking over at him now as he sleeps beside me on the other end of the couch. He looks so content and cosy right now. I put the heating on so the living room is extra cosy and warm for him.

I’m sending regular pics and videos to his foster mummy as she found it very difficult to let him go.

Again, I know that all cat owners will say this – but this little man is definitely a special cat.

He’s still nervous in his new surroundings but already I would say he is “the boss of me” and after he has settled in, he will have the other housemates running after him too.

So that’s how I fell in love with an alley cat.

(other news: I still haven’t built the IKEA furniture or done the gardening.)