Scrambled Eggs

This was my attempt at making scrambled eggs tonight. I managed to burn the eggs, the rubber spatula and the pan.

I have ADHD so I’m not a stranger to burning food but this time was so epic!

Don’t know why my attention span is so bad because I’m sure I took my meds this morning.

Or did I?

Like, work was okay I had meetings all day. Didn’t struggle to get my words out during discussions. Well, maybe I was a bit slow.

I was tired though and I’m still recovering from a shitty cold.

Anyways, got home from work, realised that I’m far too tired to cook a proper meal so decided it was safer to make eggs because it’s quick and easy.

Not so safe after all.

I got as far as beating the eggs, pouring the eggs in the pan but less than a minute later I wandered off to do some laundry. (WTF?)

I remember folding some towels and bedsheets when I smelled the burning – but I just ignored it.

Brain didn’t register. Clearly not giving a fuck about the burning plastic smell.

I carried on pottering around the house until my tummy rumbled because actually, I’m fucking starving.

Oh yeah, I forgot to eat lunch today. Saying that, I had half a bag of Cheetos (100g) at work – so that’s kind of like lunch.

I digress. I decided to make some couscous because it’s quick and easy. So I wandered back to the kitchen and realised what I’ve done.

How the hell I forgot that I was already cooking food is beyond me.

Maybe I did forget to take my meds?

I’m still hungry.

Times like this I wish I had a reset button.

Under Construction

Healing and rebuilding my confidence has been slow and things don’t seem to be moving as fast as I need them to.

Emotionally, I still feel like utter shit but my energy levels have been insane. I’m restless, still not sleeping well. I’ve become increasingly confrontational and rebellious. I am running my mouth off and pushing boundaries at work. Still spending money I don’t have.

I am *aware*, which is something – but I am not in control which makes this so frustrating for me. I am trying so so hard to rein myself in.

I wish I had an off button.

The best I can do is to try and channel this reckless energy into productive things.

So, here’s where I am at – I have made a list which I have organised into three categories: started, not started and done:

Started:

  • Get braces
  • Remortgage my house,
  • Redecorate and rebuild hallway and stairs (floors, walls, ceiling and electrics)
  • Lose lots of weight
  • Find a boyfriend

Not Started:

  • Visit my best friend in Scotland for his Birthday
  • Finally paint something cool on that massive blank canvas

Done:

  • Get quotes for decorating and building works
  • Go out clubbing and have a nice time (don’t have a panic attack)
  • Go on a first date and have a nice time (don’t cancel on him)
  • Redecorate my front patio
  • Removal of ivy from the side of my house
  • Garden and driveway maintenance, removal of weeds etc.

I’ve missed loads of stuff off this list but it’s enough to show what I have been up to.

I am surprised myself by the number of projects I am juggling – and this doesn’t include what I do for work. My day job needs it’s own blog post but seriously, fuck that! I’ll end up getting more stressed about work if I write about it.

So yeah, I’m totally on a mission to change everything in my life.

I am mindful that this is all sounding very unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.

Hello Anger.

I’ve had a stressful day at work today. Actually, it’s been a really stressful week and I am kind of pissed off right now.

I’ve had to put up with full-days of being stuck in a room with collegues, back-to-back meetings about business challenges and software solutions. The sessions have intense, with an insane mix of people from all over the business.

As you can imagine, there’s been a few egos in the room and a few uncomfortable moments. Scenarios like, someone will say something weird / cryptic / irrational or thrown some kind of shade at me. Every time without fail, I am left there, autistically dumbfounded, trying to unlock some kind of secrect code to decypher “what-ever-the-fuck” that was all about.

It takes me a while…I need time to process the information so I can decide whether I should be confused, frustrated or just plain fucking angry.

And like, how fucking dare they give me shade.

Seriously fucking why?!

Have they no fucking idea how hard it is for me, an ADHD person to sit in this same spot for hours on end AND try to stay focused for long enough, so I can do my fucking job.

I am locked in a room with a group of people who have no appreciation about how much effort it takes to act normal. To stop myself fidgeting. To follow the pace of the conversation so I don’t talk out of turn. To stop myself stimming and chewing my fucking cuticles to the bone till my fingers bleed.

Through all of this I am battling the urge excuse myself, walk out the room and run as far away as possible because the alternative is I might just fucking scream.

I have to hide the fact that actually, I just want to say to people:

Please stop getting offended because I disagree with you on something. You don’t have to be “right” all the time. I am impaired and you are making it REALLY difficult for me to do my job. This is not about you.

Please be polite and notice how I am trying to be polite to you, even though you have been unreasonable towards me. I am impaired and it’s SUPER hard for me to control my impulses. The least you can do is try a little bit.

Please be kind and please care about me because I am impaired.

But you don’t understand my impairments and you won’t understand, because you don’t care.

So you won’t be kind or polite and you really really need to be right. So eventually I will totally lose my shit, and then I’ll scream at you. Then everything will be a mess and I won’t be able to fix it.

Fucking why??!!

Hello Anger.

Brain fog and face ticks

My ADHD has been really bad lately.

I am wrapping up work and looking back on the week I can see that I have reached Friday without achieving much. This week has been a complete write-off, at work and at home.

I am medicated so normally I have handful of bad days each month but the last couple of weeks, this week specifically, has been absolutely brutal.

One way I describe this state is like a kind of “brain fog”. I am forgetful, impulsive (e.g. uncontrollably snapping at colleagues) and struggle with basic tasks and life skills.

It goes a little bit like this:

  • I missed all of my early morning gym sessions
  • I forgot to take the bins out (luckily there was a delay because of the bank holiday)
  • I still haven’t returned the clothes I bought
  • I nearly forgot to get to my therapy session
  • I forgot to pick up my medication so I can’t now till Monday
  • I burnt my dinner last night
  • I missed my chance to surf some good swell on Thursday morning
  • I haven’t filed / painted my nails and they are disgusting and chipped
  • I forgot to eat today
  • I haven’t been unable to write blog posts (writing this far has taken me an hour!)

Just a few examples of how I’ve been unable to function this week.

It is safe to say my brain fog has been quite severe and when I am like this there is no amount of Methylphenidate that can help me.

I was diagnosed at 30 so I have had 7 years to figure out what sorts of things that affect my ADHD symptoms, such as hormones, sleep, diet, exercise and stress.

I recently discovered that due to my Autism, I experience social exhaustion and sensory overload. Activities such as work, shopping or just interacting with other humans is so energetically draining that I need a lot of down time and sleep to recover. And I cant get enough sleep without self-medicating. Self-medicating for sleep can be counterproductive because anything that makes me sleepy will trigger the brain fog.

I can be doing everything right and have lots of support but my ADHD can worsen without any kind of outside influence, like when I am pre-menstrual (now). Whenever my ADHD worsens, the brain fog makes it harder for me to look after myself, remember to do things like set my alarm, get to places on time, I let people down, upset people, have panic attacks and everything turns to shit.

It is not rocket science, you can see how easily I can get caught in a vicious circle. You can see how easy it is for me to drown.

To top it all off, I had a panic attack during a meeting at work yesterday and my face is ticking a lot lately – which is so shameful.

I barely have a handle on the ADHD/Autism shit, or my anxiety and now PTSD – thanks to the abusive shit-head with whom I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with.

Fuck my life.

(In other news I still haven’t built the IKEA furniture and Leo is settling in nicely.)

Self-medicating so I can sleep

It is no wonder that I am exhausted. Due to my PTSD I am averaging at about 4 hours sleep a night, and that’s if I sleep at all.

My sleep issues are a mixed bag. Of course I am struggling to fall asleep at night but also the quality of my sleep is really poor at the moment.

I have tried a few things like adjusting the room temperature, avoiding gaming. Even after a 10 mile hike in the country, I am waking up a few times through the night.

Last night I decided I was going to force my body to sleep for a minimum of eight hours solid, which I achieved by self-medicating on a cocktail of:

  • Propanolol (for high blood pressure)
  • Promethazine Hydroxide (anti-histamine)
  • Syncol (a pre-menstrual relief pill that I picked up in Mexico)

It totally worked. I woke up feeling so rested and although I was a bit drousy from the pills, I felt a million times better. I felt lighter and like there was more ease in my body. My brain was switched on, I didn’t dither about and was able get ready for work and out the door in 30 mins.

I really needed that.

There is a part of me that feels a bit wary about this concoction I’ve made up but the pros definitely outweigh the cons (or risks) because of how great it feels to finally get a proper nights sleep. Also, I waited 2 months for my life to settle and my sleep to recover naturally but it wasn’t happening so I had to do something about it.

I looked online to buy more of this Promethazine Hydroxide. My plan is now to literally drug myself to sleep for 1-2 nights in the week.

This recovery and self-care malarky is quite complex, even more so when you have a weird ADHD/Autistic brain that doesn’t want to shut up at the best of times.

I miss having someone to hold when I drift asleep.

I could really do with a hug and some reassurance right now.

I feel like I’m on this journey on my own.

Yes I have various professionals and service providers looking after me (and I am extremely lucky to have these services available to me), but it’s not the same as a hugs and kisses and support from someone who really loves you, is it?