Hormonal and emotional mess

I felt I was doing much better in my recovery (and I am feeling better) – which is probably why I have neglected my blog for so long.

Ironically, not blogging means that I haven’t had a healthy emotional outlet.

I have said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I have done things I can’t take back.

Last week I ended up losing my shit at work – multiple times. My feelings behind the outbursts where legit – but if I wasn’t hormonal, ADHD as fuck and in full control of my impulses then I wouldn’t have had any of the confrontations that have left the receiver shocked and “needing to digest” what I said to them.

The upshot of all this is that I will probably find myself demoted from my management position as of April 2020.

Yep.

What else…I’m still single, still going on dates.

I do have something to look forward to this weekend as I have a date with guy who seems really cool.

I know I’m always really optimistic in the beginning but we do have an insane amount of things in common. He is a games developer…errr, I don’t want to say too much at this stage but what I will say is there’s been a lot of spooky coincidences.

Already he’s had me in tears because I’m a bit of a state at the moment. The scenario was, we were talking about holidays and he asked me what I thought about going on Safari in Africa to elephants! That would be my dream come true!

I apologised for being emotional and told him I was hormonal. I’m surprised I didn’t scare him off…

I haven’t told him anything about the past abuse, PTSD, my ADHD, Autism. I don’t want to put him off meeting me.

Still living with a lot of shame and self down but I am feeling hopeful.

If you are reading this please wish me luck! I really really deserve a break from the universe for a change.

Scrambled Eggs

This was my attempt at making scrambled eggs tonight. I managed to burn the eggs, the rubber spatula and the pan.

I have ADHD so I’m not a stranger to burning food but this time was so epic!

Don’t know why my attention span is so bad because I’m sure I took my meds this morning.

Or did I?

Like, work was okay I had meetings all day. Didn’t struggle to get my words out during discussions. Well, maybe I was a bit slow.

I was tired though and I’m still recovering from a shitty cold.

Anyways, got home from work, realised that I’m far too tired to cook a proper meal so decided it was safer to make eggs because it’s quick and easy.

Not so safe after all.

I got as far as beating the eggs, pouring the eggs in the pan but less than a minute later I wandered off to do some laundry. (WTF?)

I remember folding some towels and bedsheets when I smelled the burning – but I just ignored it.

Brain didn’t register. Clearly not giving a fuck about the burning plastic smell.

I carried on pottering around the house until my tummy rumbled because actually, I’m fucking starving.

Oh yeah, I forgot to eat lunch today. Saying that, I had half a bag of Cheetos (100g) at work – so that’s kind of like lunch.

I digress. I decided to make some couscous because it’s quick and easy. So I wandered back to the kitchen and realised what I’ve done.

How the hell I forgot that I was already cooking food is beyond me.

Maybe I did forget to take my meds?

I’m still hungry.

Times like this I wish I had a reset button.

Under Construction

Healing and rebuilding my confidence has been slow and things don’t seem to be moving as fast as I need them to.

Emotionally, I still feel like utter shit but my energy levels have been insane. I’m restless, still not sleeping well. I’ve become increasingly confrontational and rebellious. I am running my mouth off and pushing boundaries at work. Still spending money I don’t have.

I am *aware*, which is something – but I am not in control which makes this so frustrating for me. I am trying so so hard to rein myself in.

I wish I had an off button.

The best I can do is to try and channel this reckless energy into productive things.

So, here’s where I am at – I have made a list which I have organised into three categories: started, not started and done:

Started:

  • Get braces
  • Remortgage my house,
  • Redecorate and rebuild hallway and stairs (floors, walls, ceiling and electrics)
  • Lose lots of weight
  • Find a boyfriend

Not Started:

  • Visit my best friend in Scotland for his Birthday
  • Finally paint something cool on that massive blank canvas

Done:

  • Get quotes for decorating and building works
  • Go out clubbing and have a nice time (don’t have a panic attack)
  • Go on a first date and have a nice time (don’t cancel on him)
  • Redecorate my front patio
  • Removal of ivy from the side of my house
  • Garden and driveway maintenance, removal of weeds etc.

I’ve missed loads of stuff off this list but it’s enough to show what I have been up to.

I am surprised myself by the number of projects I am juggling – and this doesn’t include what I do for work. My day job needs it’s own blog post but seriously, fuck that! I’ll end up getting more stressed about work if I write about it.

So yeah, I’m totally on a mission to change everything in my life.

I am mindful that this is all sounding very unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.

Hello Anger.

I’ve had a stressful day at work today. Actually, it’s been a really stressful week and I am kind of pissed off right now.

I’ve had to put up with full-days of being stuck in a room with collegues, back-to-back meetings about business challenges and software solutions. The sessions have intense, with an insane mix of people from all over the business.

As you can imagine, there’s been a few egos in the room and a few uncomfortable moments. Scenarios like, someone will say something weird / cryptic / irrational or thrown some kind of shade at me. Every time without fail, I am left there, autistically dumbfounded, trying to unlock some kind of secrect code to decypher “what-ever-the-fuck” that was all about.

It takes me a while…I need time to process the information so I can decide whether I should be confused, frustrated or just plain fucking angry.

And like, how fucking dare they give me shade.

Seriously fucking why?!

Have they no fucking idea how hard it is for me, an ADHD person to sit in this same spot for hours on end AND try to stay focused for long enough, so I can do my fucking job.

I am locked in a room with a group of people who have no appreciation about how much effort it takes to act normal. To stop myself fidgeting. To follow the pace of the conversation so I don’t talk out of turn. To stop myself stimming and chewing my fucking cuticles to the bone till my fingers bleed.

Through all of this I am battling the urge excuse myself, walk out the room and run as far away as possible because the alternative is I might just fucking scream.

I have to hide the fact that actually, I just want to say to people:

Please stop getting offended because I disagree with you on something. You don’t have to be “right” all the time. I am impaired and you are making it REALLY difficult for me to do my job. This is not about you.

Please be polite and notice how I am trying to be polite to you, even though you have been unreasonable towards me. I am impaired and it’s SUPER hard for me to control my impulses. The least you can do is try a little bit.

Please be kind and please care about me because I am impaired.

But you don’t understand my impairments and you won’t understand, because you don’t care.

So you won’t be kind or polite and you really really need to be right. So eventually I will totally lose my shit, and then I’ll scream at you. Then everything will be a mess and I won’t be able to fix it.

Fucking why??!!

Hello Anger.

Brain fog and face ticks

My ADHD has been really bad lately.

I am wrapping up work and looking back on the week I can see that I have reached Friday without achieving much. This week has been a complete write-off, at work and at home.

I am medicated so normally I have handful of bad days each month but the last couple of weeks, this week specifically, has been absolutely brutal.

One way I describe this state is like a kind of “brain fog”. I am forgetful, impulsive (e.g. uncontrollably snapping at colleagues) and struggle with basic tasks and life skills.

It goes a little bit like this:

  • I missed all of my early morning gym sessions
  • I forgot to take the bins out (luckily there was a delay because of the bank holiday)
  • I still haven’t returned the clothes I bought
  • I nearly forgot to get to my therapy session
  • I forgot to pick up my medication so I can’t now till Monday
  • I burnt my dinner last night
  • I missed my chance to surf some good swell on Thursday morning
  • I haven’t filed / painted my nails and they are disgusting and chipped
  • I forgot to eat today
  • I haven’t been unable to write blog posts (writing this far has taken me an hour!)

Just a few examples of how I’ve been unable to function this week.

It is safe to say my brain fog has been quite severe and when I am like this there is no amount of Methylphenidate that can help me.

I was diagnosed at 30 so I have had 7 years to figure out what sorts of things that affect my ADHD symptoms, such as hormones, sleep, diet, exercise and stress.

I recently discovered that due to my Autism, I experience social exhaustion and sensory overload. Activities such as work, shopping or just interacting with other humans is so energetically draining that I need a lot of down time and sleep to recover. And I cant get enough sleep without self-medicating. Self-medicating for sleep can be counterproductive because anything that makes me sleepy will trigger the brain fog.

I can be doing everything right and have lots of support but my ADHD can worsen without any kind of outside influence, like when I am pre-menstrual (now). Whenever my ADHD worsens, the brain fog makes it harder for me to look after myself, remember to do things like set my alarm, get to places on time, I let people down, upset people, have panic attacks and everything turns to shit.

It is not rocket science, you can see how easily I can get caught in a vicious circle. You can see how easy it is for me to drown.

To top it all off, I had a panic attack during a meeting at work yesterday and my face is ticking a lot lately – which is so shameful.

I barely have a handle on the ADHD/Autism shit, or my anxiety and now PTSD – thanks to the abusive shit-head with whom I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with.

Fuck my life.

(In other news I still haven’t built the IKEA furniture and Leo is settling in nicely.)