Hormonal and emotional mess

I felt I was doing much better in my recovery (and I am feeling better) – which is probably why I have neglected my blog for so long.

Ironically, not blogging means that I haven’t had a healthy emotional outlet.

I have said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I have done things I can’t take back.

Last week I ended up losing my shit at work – multiple times. My feelings behind the outbursts where legit – but if I wasn’t hormonal, ADHD as fuck and in full control of my impulses then I wouldn’t have had any of the confrontations that have left the receiver shocked and “needing to digest” what I said to them.

The upshot of all this is that I will probably find myself demoted from my management position as of April 2020.

Yep.

What else…I’m still single, still going on dates.

I do have something to look forward to this weekend as I have a date with guy who seems really cool.

I know I’m always really optimistic in the beginning but we do have an insane amount of things in common. He is a games developer…errr, I don’t want to say too much at this stage but what I will say is there’s been a lot of spooky coincidences.

Already he’s had me in tears because I’m a bit of a state at the moment. The scenario was, we were talking about holidays and he asked me what I thought about going on Safari in Africa to elephants! That would be my dream come true!

I apologised for being emotional and told him I was hormonal. I’m surprised I didn’t scare him off…

I haven’t told him anything about the past abuse, PTSD, my ADHD, Autism. I don’t want to put him off meeting me.

Still living with a lot of shame and self down but I am feeling hopeful.

If you are reading this please wish me luck! I really really deserve a break from the universe for a change.

Dear Soulmate

Are you out there somewhere? Is there such a thing as a soul mate?

It’s comforting to believe that’s there is such a thing. I’d rather believe he is still out there somewhere but we haven’t found each other yet.

I don’t fancy many people on this planet.

Sometimes I think I’m a little bit Asexual but not completely.

I say “a little” Asexual because I do experience desire. It’s rare but when I do experience it fully, I’m 100% sure that I like them.

Then I will fall for them, hard and fast. That’s when I’m passionate and intense in a relationship.

Its feels so out of reach at the moment and I crave it so much.

This stuff is very confusing to me and I find myself analysing about it this stuff about it a lot.

I think I need the intensity because otherwise I’m mostly numb inside.

I read this back and it feels like a drunk post or something, but I haven’t touched a drink in over a week.

Today I downloaded Tinder again and had a look at my old profile. It was so mundane and factual.

I deleted the description and instead I tried to write something raw and meaningful:

“Song lyrics matter.

Not the colour of your skin.

Religion is a waste of time.

Party politics are a distraction.

Looking for a connection, something real.

We are all insecure humans trying to survive.

Let’s lose ourselves.

It’s love or death.”

Guys on Tinder will probably read it and think I’m fucking insane. I’m at a stage in my life now where I’m starting to care less.

I’m still in pain. I’m still lonely.

But the good news is, I’m feeling stronger and starting to believe like I deserve to be loved and cared for.

I’m still sad but I’m starting to believe in myself again.

Scrambled Eggs

This was my attempt at making scrambled eggs tonight. I managed to burn the eggs, the rubber spatula and the pan.

I have ADHD so I’m not a stranger to burning food but this time was so epic!

Don’t know why my attention span is so bad because I’m sure I took my meds this morning.

Or did I?

Like, work was okay I had meetings all day. Didn’t struggle to get my words out during discussions. Well, maybe I was a bit slow.

I was tired though and I’m still recovering from a shitty cold.

Anyways, got home from work, realised that I’m far too tired to cook a proper meal so decided it was safer to make eggs because it’s quick and easy.

Not so safe after all.

I got as far as beating the eggs, pouring the eggs in the pan but less than a minute later I wandered off to do some laundry. (WTF?)

I remember folding some towels and bedsheets when I smelled the burning – but I just ignored it.

Brain didn’t register. Clearly not giving a fuck about the burning plastic smell.

I carried on pottering around the house until my tummy rumbled because actually, I’m fucking starving.

Oh yeah, I forgot to eat lunch today. Saying that, I had half a bag of Cheetos (100g) at work – so that’s kind of like lunch.

I digress. I decided to make some couscous because it’s quick and easy. So I wandered back to the kitchen and realised what I’ve done.

How the hell I forgot that I was already cooking food is beyond me.

Maybe I did forget to take my meds?

I’m still hungry.

Times like this I wish I had a reset button.

Pain of Rejection

I did a shameful thing at my brothers birthday party last night. I drunkenly broke down crying in the middle of the night club.

Yep, I’m THAT girl.

I broke down for a very simple reason and that’s because I felt rejected by someone.

The background to this is my brother has been trying to get me to date one of his closest friends. For months now he’s been telling me that I should ask him out but I’ve refused to do it.

Not because I don’t like him.

My reason (justification) for not asking him out is, if he was interested then he would ask me out on a date, right?

My brother is saying this guy is too shy to ask me out so it’s on me to make the first move.

What no one seems to understand is how much of an insecure fucking wreck I am.

Even the thought of asking someone out makes me want to vomit. The thought of them potentially saying no is enough to destroy me.

I know my brother is trying to help me but I don’t think he realises just how fragile I am. Or maybe he does which is why he wants me to be with his friend, who he says would NEVER ever hurt me.

Since the breakup from my abusive ex, my brother has been very protective over me and is determined to make sure that I’m never in a situation like that ever again.

He and his wife were the ones who – quite literally – picked up the pieces and help me rebuild my life.

Anyways, back to last night…

His friend was at the party, we were sat at a table discussing how old we are. His friend says he is a year older than me. I pointed out that always assumed he was younger, like a similar age to my brother.

When my brother heard this he started ranting at me, saying I should ask him out etc – it got a bit heated (we were all very drunk).

Anyways, I thought fine I’ll say something so I asked him if he knew my brother wanted us to be together and he was said yes.

I then, awkwardly, asked him, “so, uh…what do you think about this?”

The whole time we hadn’t made eye contact, so his eyes were to the ground and he said, “I don’t know…”

To me that was a very strong “no!” which tore me up.

I texted my brother and said, “he’s not interested, see I told you! Now leave me alone. I’m quite sad now actually, thanks!”

I left the group sitting at the table. I went to the bar, bought a strong overpriced cocktail, downed it and mixed in with the crowd in the middle of dance floor.

Tears started rolling down my face so I stayed buried in the crowds so no one could see me like like this.

I was worried about my eye liner running and causing embarrassment to my brother in front of his friends so I tried to pull myself together.

I was calming down when I felt a hand reach round my waist and there he was.

He asked me if I wanted another drink.

I said yes.

He kissed me.

I was stunned.

The rest of the night is a blur. Nights out with my brothers friends are always so much fun.

At one point I remember agreeing to go for a date with him in a fortnight.

I should feel excited but I instead I’m feeling like the only reason this happened is because I got upset and ran off.

I feel like the only reason he asked me out is because my brother has talked him into it.

This is all kinds of messed up.

This is going to hurt me. I know it is because I think I really like him.

Fuck.

Insomnia

I’ve mentioned before about how I struggle to sleep without self-medicating, (drugs, alcohol, etc) a direct result of PTSD.

As of February this year I started my recovery journey as a survivor of domestic abuse.

I have an ADHD diagnosis as well as Autism, anxiety (full blown panic attacks).

My childhood and upbringing was toxic, and oppressive to say the least.

With all this said, you can imagine that I am working so hard just to keep my head above water. I’m barely functioning with the cards I was dealt.

So of course, any kind of traumatic event is more than just “destabilising” for me. It doesn’t take much for something to completely derail me.

If I’m constantly anxious then I’m getting increasingly fatigued but with my cortisol levels through the roof, I’m wired as fuck but running on empty.

I want to try and sleep without drugging myself or drinking alcohol but my brain won’t shut up.

Im not getting a good nights sleep, which is affecting my ADHD which means my thoughts are completely disjointed which is causing me to panic even more.

Every night I’m battling the urge to drink or drug myself to sleep.

Some nights I win and some nights I lose.

If I win I will eventually fall asleep and get a few hours in. I feel like shit but I’m one step closer to being less dependent on drink or drugs.

On the nights that I lose I get a solid 8 hour sleep. On one hand I hate myself for being weak but I find that I focus really well at work – which makes me feel calmer…

Until it’s time to go to sleep again and the battle starts all over again.

So last night I won – about 3/4 hours sleep I think – but I must have looked so rough for a colleague to point out to me that I look tired.

Fuck I felt such a pang in my heart when they said that.

Not much else to say on this other than, tonight, I lose.