Found him

Just over a month ago I published Dear Soulmate. Without realising it at the time, that post marked a major milestone in my recovery journey. At the time of writing I was starting to believe that I was lovable and deserving of love.

Last weekend I met someone really fucking amazing. He is gorgeous, kind and loving.

We have so much in common but most importantly we had an instant connection. We didn’t have to play the weird dating game thing. We knew we wanted to be together from the first day we met.

It’s early days but in his own words, “when you know, you know”.

The problem I have is I feel like none of this is real. I am terrified that I’ll wake up to realise that all of this is a dream.

He knows that I have PTSD because of my abusive ex, but I haven’t felt brave enough to talk openly about it yet. As far as I know, he hasn’t found my blog.

I am a bit worried about him finding my blog. My reasons are complicated.

I said to him that I can’t stop him from finding it but I do think needs to consider the implication of reading something painful, and something even connected to him or our relationship.

This blog has been a crutch for me during my darkest hours but I do wonder if it is time to let it go now.

I don’t want to fuck anything up so I need to think more on that.

I am still a bit broken and I am scared but I decided (before I even met him in person) to have faith in him and see where it goes.

For the first time this year I am truly happy and inspired. I am feeling so much stronger and my “bad days” are few and far between at the moment. Hence why I have been posting less frequently.

So yeah, things are good right now.

Thank you universe, finally you cut me some slack!

The Great Homecoming

This isn’t a happy story. Last month I drove north to Scotland to spend a week with friends and family.

I needed a break from work and life but with my PTSD, I still don’t feel safe enough to go abroad on my own. I thought a trip to Scotland would be good as its familiar but still a change of scenery. I thought that driving up and staying with friends and family would give me the flexibility to see more people and places without stressing about an itinerary.

I do not have a relationship with either of my parents and I intentionally kept the trip a secret from most of my family so I can peacefully visit my homeland without any kind of drama and bullshit.

How wrong was I.

My trip was so stressful that I cut it short and only stayed for 3 nights.

There are various reasons why it was bad but the most important thing that I need to write about how my experience with a particular friend – which was really confusing for me – didn’t end well.

We fell out.

I have been putting off writing about this because I have been trying to process what went wrong.

I think I am ready now, so here goes.

The original plan was to see my friend for his birthday and he wanted me to stay with him for the majority of my time in Scotland. We were gonna game, eat good food, drink and be merry. During this time I was going to squeeze in a few visits with other friends and spend some quality time with my favourite cousin who I absolutely adore.

In the days leading up to my visit, he was telling me that he was spending a fair amount of time redecorating and cleaning his house. He did some really lovely things like replace the bedding and he bought me slippers and a fleecy dressing gown to make sure I am comfortable staying with him.

He also mentioned he was replacing the mattress and I wondered if that was really necessary.

A few times I had to say to him that I thought he was overdoing it.

Anyways, I drive north and arrive at his house really late.

The first thing that struck me was how cold it was and he house smelt strongly of nicotine and something else that wasn’t good. Cigarette smoke on its own makes me feel really nauseous and I know he did his best to air the apartment but to me, the smell was unbearable.

The carpets were soaking wet from him cleaning them but still covered in dog hair.

I realised that despite my friends sweet gestures and hard work the house was really unclean and I didn’t feel great about having to stay there for majority of my trip.

I started feeling anxious but it was too late to do anything about it so the best thing I could do was get a good night sleep before thinking about how to approach the situation. I had no trouble sleeping that night because he made me an insanely strong alcoholic drink and it wasn’t long before I had to get into bed and was out like a light till morning.

To cut a long story short – I didn’t spend another night at his house and it wasn’t because I was brave enough to tell my friend that the smell and uncleanliness was unbearable to me.

We ended up falling out.

How it happened was weird.

So I am sitting in the pub waiting for him to join me. It is his birthday.

I should rewind and mention that my emotional state was incredibly fragile. The reason being I was anxious and heart broken. The day before I saw my cousin and she came out to me that she had a heroin addiction. I watched her chase the dragon and wept.

She said if she wasn’t so numb from the heroin she would cry too. I promised to her that I would spend as much time with her as possible whilst I was in Scotland.

Fast forward to sitting in the pub waiting for my friend.

I am in flight mode.

I am an emotional wreck from seeing my cousin.

As I sat there waiting I decided that I am not going to stay any longer and that I am going to travel back home today.

So now and I need to break the news to my friend and my cousin who both think they have a few more days to spend with me.

Still waiting for my friend so I text my cousin to say I’ll pop by to say goodbye before I drive home.

I wait for her response.

I think to myself she is going to be really disappointed because I promised we’d have a girly night in watching chic flicks and eating chocolate.

My friend turns up.

I don’t know what to say to him. I am glad that I don’t have to tell him that I can’t stay in his house because of the state of cleanliness.

I talk to him about my cousin.

My eyes are welling up. I am shaking.

I tell him that I’m going to see my cousin before I go home and that I am waiting for her to message me.

I can’t find any other words. I feel awkward.

I check my phone a few times.

He makes a few remarks which upset me. Most of them were stupid but when he pointed out that I am constantly on my phone I completely blew up at him and burst out into tears.

It was a mess. I couldn’t sit there crying in public. I felt like someone was strangling me.

I needed to get away from him.

All I wanted was to be back in my own home, in my pyjamas and cuddling my cat. Where I feel safe.

I ended up spending the night with my cousin before going home the next morning.

After I escaped my friend, I did a bit of shopping for my cousin and then we spent the rest of the evening having our girly night in like I promised we would. We stayed up till the early hours whilst she chased the dragon, chain smoked and opened up her heart to me about the last few years of her life.

The drive home was so long and I thought long and hard about the my fall out with my friend.

My friend was so kind and generous and tried his best for me but I didn’t feel safe around him and I didn’t enjoy spending time with him. I am sorry for blowing up at my friend but this is how things played out.

To wind up the story, the entire trip was a terrible idea.

Scotland itself is full of so much pain for me. Driving around my old haunts brought back a lot of bad memories and made me very sad.

It was supposed to be a safe and familiar trip back home but this time was very different from the other times I have visited. It was like I was forced to face every single fucking demon from my past. The many reasons I escaped.

On top of this all, if I was a little bit broken from re-living the traumatic memories of my distant past, seeing my cousin as a heroin addict finished the job of completely tearing me up.

Of course, me being me, I try to rationalise all of this and the best I can think of was that this was the first solo trip since the police took “him” away. The chronic anxiety, emotional fragility and having to re-live traumatic events of my distant past is definitely linked to the PTSD.

Anyways, that’s about as much as I can write about the matter.

Hormonal and emotional mess

I felt I was doing much better in my recovery (and I am feeling better) – which is probably why I have neglected my blog for so long.

Ironically, not blogging means that I haven’t had a healthy emotional outlet.

I have said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I have done things I can’t take back.

Last week I ended up losing my shit at work – multiple times. My feelings behind the outbursts where legit – but if I wasn’t hormonal, ADHD as fuck and in full control of my impulses then I wouldn’t have had any of the confrontations that have left the receiver shocked and “needing to digest” what I said to them.

The upshot of all this is that I will probably find myself demoted from my management position as of April 2020.

Yep.

What else…I’m still single, still going on dates.

I do have something to look forward to this weekend as I have a date with guy who seems really cool.

I know I’m always really optimistic in the beginning but we do have an insane amount of things in common. He is a games developer…errr, I don’t want to say too much at this stage but what I will say is there’s been a lot of spooky coincidences.

Already he’s had me in tears because I’m a bit of a state at the moment. The scenario was, we were talking about holidays and he asked me what I thought about going on Safari in Africa to elephants! That would be my dream come true!

I apologised for being emotional and told him I was hormonal. I’m surprised I didn’t scare him off…

I haven’t told him anything about the past abuse, PTSD, my ADHD, Autism. I don’t want to put him off meeting me.

Still living with a lot of shame and self down but I am feeling hopeful.

If you are reading this please wish me luck! I really really deserve a break from the universe for a change.

Dear Soulmate

Are you out there somewhere? Is there such a thing as a soul mate?

It’s comforting to believe that’s there is such a thing. I’d rather believe he is still out there somewhere but we haven’t found each other yet.

I don’t fancy many people on this planet.

Sometimes I think I’m a little bit Asexual but not completely.

I say “a little” Asexual because I do experience desire. It’s rare but when I do experience it fully, I’m 100% sure that I like them.

Then I will fall for them, hard and fast. That’s when I’m passionate and intense in a relationship.

Its feels so out of reach at the moment and I crave it so much.

This stuff is very confusing to me and I find myself analysing about it this stuff about it a lot.

I think I need the intensity because otherwise I’m mostly numb inside.

I read this back and it feels like a drunk post or something, but I haven’t touched a drink in over a week.

Today I downloaded Tinder again and had a look at my old profile. It was so mundane and factual.

I deleted the description and instead I tried to write something raw and meaningful:

“Song lyrics matter.

Not the colour of your skin.

Religion is a waste of time.

Party politics are a distraction.

Looking for a connection, something real.

We are all insecure humans trying to survive.

Let’s lose ourselves.

It’s love or death.”

Guys on Tinder will probably read it and think I’m fucking insane. I’m at a stage in my life now where I’m starting to care less.

I’m still in pain. I’m still lonely.

But the good news is, I’m feeling stronger and starting to believe like I deserve to be loved and cared for.

I’m still sad but I’m starting to believe in myself again.

Scrambled Eggs

This was my attempt at making scrambled eggs tonight. I managed to burn the eggs, the rubber spatula and the pan.

I have ADHD so I’m not a stranger to burning food but this time was so epic!

Don’t know why my attention span is so bad because I’m sure I took my meds this morning.

Or did I?

Like, work was okay I had meetings all day. Didn’t struggle to get my words out during discussions. Well, maybe I was a bit slow.

I was tired though and I’m still recovering from a shitty cold.

Anyways, got home from work, realised that I’m far too tired to cook a proper meal so decided it was safer to make eggs because it’s quick and easy.

Not so safe after all.

I got as far as beating the eggs, pouring the eggs in the pan but less than a minute later I wandered off to do some laundry. (WTF?)

I remember folding some towels and bedsheets when I smelled the burning – but I just ignored it.

Brain didn’t register. Clearly not giving a fuck about the burning plastic smell.

I carried on pottering around the house until my tummy rumbled because actually, I’m fucking starving.

Oh yeah, I forgot to eat lunch today. Saying that, I had half a bag of Cheetos (100g) at work – so that’s kind of like lunch.

I digress. I decided to make some couscous because it’s quick and easy. So I wandered back to the kitchen and realised what I’ve done.

How the hell I forgot that I was already cooking food is beyond me.

Maybe I did forget to take my meds?

I’m still hungry.

Times like this I wish I had a reset button.