Love Fool

So what have I been doing since my previous post whereby I thought I had found the “love of my life?”

Well first of all, I didn’t because he wasn’t.

The first month or so was lovely. He took me on holiday and spoiled me for my birthday and valentines day. That was back in February. Then in March the pandemic happened and we ended up going into lock-down together, in my house. Our relationship didn’t survive the lock down.

My final good bye / closure email to him was towards the end of May.

Nothing awful happened, but after having plenty of time to process things I can certainly say that he caused me unnecessary emotional pain. Long story-short, he pulled away emotionally and physically at the same time, actively refused to end the relationship and prevented me from moving on.

He kept me in a limbo and dragged things out for over a month. During this time he was back living at his own place. I tried many times to talk to him about our relationship, but he refused phone calls and was always quick to shut me down. I suffered weeks of small talk via text and uncertainty about what was going to happen.

It goes without saying that inducing this level of relationship uncertainty for Autistic people is basically like torture.

The final conversation happened when he finally let me talk to him on the phone. As I was despairing to him, he responded something along the lines of “You want me to put you out of your misery? It’s over, we are finished.

Nice guy.

I ask myself what I have learned from this and I don’t really think I have learned anything. I think that my trust and abandonment wounds have grown deeper. I am left without any trust in my own judgement.

I feel stupid for believing anything he said about me being the only person he has ever loved and wanted to settle down with and phrases like, e.g. “when you know, you know”.

So where am I now?

I do have a boyfriend now. We are a couple of months into the relationship and I am not sure.

At the beginning I was absolutely smitten. Over the last couple of weeks or so I am spending more time feeling confused, sick to my stomach, crying and fearful of impending rejection and abandonment.

I don’t know if he is good for me or bad for me because there is no way I can trust my own judgement.

A product of years of abuse, relationship failures and poor life choices…so I can’t imagine there ever being a happy ending in the horizon for me.

The saddest part in all of this is knowing that I can never feel safe and truly loved in the arms of a good man, without that creeping sense that it’s just temporary illusion and I will end up where as I always do.

Alone.

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