Primed for Abuse

Here’s the thing. I have a bit of a track record for falling in love with abusive men.

I’m vulnerable, sure.

An easy target and “primed for abuse”, as they say.

But why?

What makes me so vulnerable?

I’m pretty fucking sure a messed up upbringing might have something to do with it.

Here goes…

My upbringing was profoundly oppressive – thanks to both parents – and living in the Middle East.

I am the only daughter to an Iranian man and a Scottish woman.

My father is the typical “Middle Eastern Father” stereotype, moody, unable to show affection, over protective, controlling and impossible to please.

The only time my father made eye contact with me was when he was lashing out at me.

He is a complex man. All the ways he primed me for abuse is a struggle for me to put it into words at the moment.

So for now I’ll say that he taught me to accept the “darker” side of masculinity.

The result of having a father like him is that I am mainly attracted to men that really, fucking scare me.

Moving on!

My mother was brought up by her militant, catholic grandmother.

She is neurotic, self-loathing, completely oblivious to her own internalised misogyny. The head-fuckery which she was proud to pass on to me as her “teachings” – so that one day I might become a good wife.

My mother has all kinds of mental illnesses that moulded me to who I am today.

The stories about her are disturbing and I am building up the courage to share them one day.

I digress.

Some of the things she taught me were things like – all men are evil and that woman-hood is nothing but suffering.

As a result of having a mother like her I feel worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable and a failure as a woman.

As well as being controlled and abused by both parents, I grew up as a second class citizen.

I lived in the Islamic Republic of Iran for 7 years, from the age of 12 to 19 years old and the experience for me, a teenage girl was totally unbearable.

I could write endlessly about the injustices for women and girls living in Iran, and I will get round to it…

(Spoiler: I ran away from home, got back to to the UK and was homeless for a while)

I know there are people who are far worse off than me…but looking at the shitty cards I was dealt, it’s obvious that I never stood a chance in love and relationships.

I lost the game before it even started – right?

3 thoughts on “Primed for Abuse

  1. Hello there Friend. I was scrolling through posts here on WordPress when I came across this post from you. I am so so sorry to hear about all that you have been through and your struggles within your family. Dear Friend, you need to understand that our parents are people just like us, they tend to teach us the things that they learned from their parents. Chances are that your father probably grew up around a father that acts the same way he is acting right now. Your mother on the other hand might have internalized the pain that she has been through because she feels like that is what she has to do. To be completely candid, I think the poor treatment of women in Middle Eastern countries does not have much to do with Islam, but majorly due to the Middle Eastern Culture itself. The men just try to use religion to back up their bad treatment of women. Nevertheless, Islam does contain some traditions that truly hurt women. Dear Friend, you are unlike your mother because you spoke out about your problem. I believe that I did not find you by mistake, but it is the spirit of the Lord that led me to you. Today, the name of the Lord our God, Jesus, has been pronounced upon you. The Bible says that a person who the Lord sets free, is free indeed. The system you grew up in set you up for this low self-esteem. However, low self-esteem is not God’s plan for us, and neither is fear.

    The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7
    “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline”.

    You are deserving of true love, and that is God’s plan for you. However, due to the nature of how you grew up, there is probably an inner voice in your head that tells you that you do not deserve it. That voice is the voice of the world, and not the voice of the Lord. The voice of the Lord is contained in the Bible, and the voice of the Lord is full of promises and words of hope. You can cancel out the voice of the world by reading and listening to the voice of God. Pray to God, and ask for his help, and I am sure that he would be happy to hear from you. Do not be scared to walk away from bad relationships. Go for what is real and true, because you were made for good things, and not for evil things. You ran away from home because you could not take the environment and what it brought with it. It is not right that you run away from home and run right into the arms of another abusive man. Go for what you really want, pursue the truth of real love. Pray to God, he is the only true healer. Speak to a therapist too if you are able to do so. Building a relationship with the Lord would be beneficial to you as well. A relationship with the Lord begins with faith in the Lord, prayers to God, obedience to the Bible, and a passion for Christ. God is ready, the question is, are you?

    Here are a few Bible verses to encourage you, stay strong.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello there,
    Having read your “Primed for Abuse” post, of which I could tell was straight from the heart, I can honestly say to you “Feel Proud”. Feel proud that you are able to write this after going through hell.
    I agree that you feel primed for abuse due to your younger years in life that you undoubtedly had controlling parents in a controlled environment shall we say, where you were living.

    Do you actually feel attracted to “bad men”, because of how they emotionally arouse you or is it because you identify with them easier than “decent men”, because of you’ve only ever experienced control, does it ironically feel safe??
    Are you afraid of the unknown?? eg, a decent man, not knowing how to experience it or even handle it.

    One thing in being primed for abuse,, is that it is just that, they only primed you for negativity, low esteem, emotional distress, to conform to their ideals instead of bringing you up explore your own BUT what about now that you are in a better place, that you prime yourself with a feeling of HOPE, curiosity of the unknown rather than to dismiss it. Its true you may never be able to do it on your own and there is nothing completely wrong with that at all but you could ask for professional help or even help from friends who you have began to trust, help could also be right now as in your BLOG.
    I think this blog is definitely a form of release and no doubt can also be a help to others which will give you recognition of your ability to help and how you can make people feel, that your heading in the right direction.
    It definitely can release the burden of hidden secrets from the past that has been hampering your future.
    As in the previous comment, Religion can be a form of guidance but it can only come really from you, as in wanting to meet somebody different, wanting to take the risk of the unknown to see how it develops.
    Good luck and keep blogging

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I stumbled upon this post just now…

    If it gives you any comfort, I know people who felt the same way as you did for awhile, who thought they would never find a man who was not a jerk, at the bare minimum. But also people who were able to find a love who was actually a good human being, as well. I say this so as to hopefully, maybe, give a little bit of hope.

    Liked by 2 people

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