Over the last few weeks I have spent most evenings under the influence of alcohol. I haven’t been able to sleep without it.
It all started when I got some news about changes at work, which was isn’t the end of the world but destabilising – so I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism
I hate myself for it.
I am a social drinker and alcohol was never a coping mechanism for me in the past.
I come from a family of alcoholics on my mums side, so my relationship with alcohol is messed up. I actually hate it and I hate myself for needing it to cope right now.
Part of the distress I am going through is feeling that I’m not in control and at the same time my brain trying to rationalise WHY I have I started using it now.
I normally drink craft beer or pale ale and now I’m on the Gin & Tonic of all things. I don’t even really like Gin but this fancy flavoured stuff is so damn strong at 40% alc.vol – it gets me where I need to be in a *very* short space of time.
I’m trying to justify it to myself – like, I am struggling to sleep and alcohol makes me sleepy quite quickly, and I feel a million times better if I’ve had a proper nights sleep.
How the fuck has piece of news like this sent me spiralling again?
It’s because I’m still very fragile.
I mean, I know that a big change at work is destabilising for anyone – and of course something like this will cause me a bit of an autistic meltdown.
Is my fragility (PTSD) an explanation for taking alcohol as a coping mechanism?
I’m thinking back to my relationship with my abuser and how his drug and alcohol addiction affected me.
He would drink every night and I ended up drinking with him. I was only having a couple of beers but I was drinking just because he was. I was able to nip it in the bud.
But I’m also remembering the drug addiction part. Like, how he would torment me and then administer Xanax to calm me down. Xanax isn’t prescribed in the UK and he bought them illegally from the dark web.
Needless to say, I was dependent on his supply and this was one of the ways he had control over me.
The physical withdrawals coming off the Xanax were insane. The only thing that got me through it was knowing that for as long as I was dependent on the Xanax then I wouldn’t be able to leave him.
Anyways, back to now…I was doing so well but I’m back in that place struggling to sleep without alcohol or drugs.
I wanted a break off the booze so the last couple of nights I drugged myself to sleep with a cocktail of diazepam, phenegram and propranolol.
Believe it or not, the drug cocktail has made the whites of my eyes really white, which is amazing.
I feel so rested but I need to keep the drugs for emergencies.
I have half a bottle of fancy Gin (43%) in the fridge.
I know I’m sleep walking to addiction if I keep going like this but I don’t know how to break out of it.