Healing and rebuilding my confidence has been slow and things don’t seem to be moving as fast as I need them to.
Emotionally, I still feel like utter shit but my energy levels have been insane. I’m restless, still not sleeping well. I’ve become increasingly confrontational and rebellious. I am running my mouth off and pushing boundaries at work. Still spending money I don’t have.
I am *aware*, which is something – but I am not in control which makes this so frustrating for me. I am trying so so hard to rein myself in.
I wish I had an off button.
The best I can do is to try and channel this reckless energy into productive things.
So, here’s where I am at – I have made a list which I have organised into three categories: started, not started and done:
- Get braces
- Remortgage my house,
- Redecorate and rebuild hallway and stairs (floors, walls, ceiling and electrics)
- Lose lots of weight
- Find a boyfriend
- Visit my best friend in Scotland for his Birthday
- Finally paint something cool on that massive blank canvas
- Get quotes for decorating and building works
- Go out clubbing and have a nice time (don’t have a panic attack)
- Go on a first date and have a nice time (don’t cancel on him)
- Redecorate my front patio
- Removal of ivy from the side of my house
- Garden and driveway maintenance, removal of weeds etc.
I’ve missed loads of stuff off this list but it’s enough to show what I have been up to.
I am surprised myself by the number of projects I am juggling – and this doesn’t include what I do for work. My day job needs it’s own blog post but seriously, fuck that! I’ll end up getting more stressed about work if I write about it.
So yeah, I’m totally on a mission to change everything in my life.
I am mindful that this is all sounding very unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.