One month of solitude

I just realised that it has been exactly a month since I last wrote a blog post. Instead I’ve spent a lot of time gaming and snuggling with my cat.

I haven’t felt able or motivated to write and I haven’t kept up with the mental health community on social media. I have been mentally exhausted and needed time to reflect.

At the time I started the blog and twitter account I was incredibly unstable, anxious and erratic. During this time I didn’t feel safe in my own home and I was using the platforms to distract myself and avoid being alone.

I am calmer now and this last month I have slowed right down, maybe from exhaustion.

I have been processing.

After a month of solitude, a reader reached out to me to find out why I haven’t written in so long. They asked for a link to my Amazon wish list and suggested that I will get back into writing more if I monetized my blog.

So I have been thinking about that and I have been thinking about money.

Yes, I would feel 100% more motivated to write frequently if I knew that my writing added value to someone’s life. I am not sure if monetizing my blog is a way to achieve this.

To me there are other reasons to monetize my blog.

My work and finances are in order, for now – as long as I can keep my shit together during working hours. Money will be OK if I can avoid fucking up or melting down in front of certain colleagues.

I am so worried that I will fail.

And I am worried that I have no savings.

Last Xmas, my [abusive] ex boyfriend insisted that we go on an expensive holiday so I ended up spending my savings, which wasn’t much but it was something to fall back on.

Maybe I would feel less anxious if I built up a safety net. I do need to think of ways to spend less as well as generate a little more money, purely for savings.

I am worried because I have been reckless with money.

The best way I can describe this is, after the break-up I went into a kind of “manic” state, and spent ALOT of money. Money that I don’t have. I bought a new car, cosmetic dentistry, video games, a cat, further donations to the cat shelter, cat accessories and lots of fuel to drive hundred of miles around the UK.

Unsurprisingly my monthly outgoings have doubled as I am now in tens of thousands of pounds more debt than I was before the break-up.

So really, what I should be thinking about is making more money and paying off this debt before saving anything.

After a month of solitude I am writing to say that:

1) I lost my shit and created lots of unnecessary debt for myself

2) I am a fucking idiot and I only have myself to blame

3) I will monetize my site in some way – and some people won’t like it.

Till this point, my readers and blogging community have been a glimmer of hope for me during my darkest hours.

My fear is that I monetise my site and people will think less of me and find me vulgar.

I will lose supporters (and potentially receive hate) which makes me very sad, but I think now is the time to put my big girl pants on and take a risk.

5 thoughts on “One month of solitude

  1. Eh, from what I’ve heard the returns from monetizing aren’t that great. You might do better to save a few posts and submit to paying mental health sites. Ashley from Mental Health @ Home had a whole post on that – including the pros and cons of monetizing. I don’t remember really where she said, but I vaguely remember going “oh, there are places that pay and they offer a better return” before I promptly- decided one job was exhausting enough and my brain didn’t need to retain the rest. I feel the same about general “places you can pick freelance writing assignments” – good to know for people who have the thick skin to handle that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Agent Silki, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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