I just realised that it has been exactly a month since I last wrote a blog post. Instead I’ve spent a lot of time gaming and snuggling with my cat.
I haven’t felt able or motivated to write and I haven’t kept up with the mental health community on social media. I have been mentally exhausted and needed time to reflect.
At the time I started the blog and twitter account I was incredibly unstable, anxious and erratic. During this time I didn’t feel safe in my own home and I was using the platforms to distract myself and avoid being alone.
I am calmer now and this last month I have slowed right down, maybe from exhaustion.
I have been processing.
After a month of solitude, a reader reached out to me to find out why I haven’t written in so long. They asked for a link to my Amazon wish list and suggested that I will get back into writing more if I monetized my blog.
So I have been thinking about that and I have been thinking about money.
Yes, I would feel 100% more motivated to write frequently if I knew that my writing added value to someone’s life. I am not sure if monetizing my blog is a way to achieve this.
To me there are other reasons to monetize my blog.
My work and finances are in order, for now – as long as I can keep my shit together during working hours. Money will be OK if I can avoid fucking up or melting down in front of certain colleagues.
I am so worried that I will fail.
And I am worried that I have no savings.
Last Xmas, my [abusive] ex boyfriend insisted that we go on an expensive holiday so I ended up spending my savings, which wasn’t much but it was something to fall back on.
Maybe I would feel less anxious if I built up a safety net. I do need to think of ways to spend less as well as generate a little more money, purely for savings.
I am worried because I have been reckless with money.
The best way I can describe this is, after the break-up I went into a kind of “manic” state, and spent ALOT of money. Money that I don’t have. I bought a new car, cosmetic dentistry, video games, a cat, further donations to the cat shelter, cat accessories and lots of fuel to drive hundred of miles around the UK.
Unsurprisingly my monthly outgoings have doubled as I am now in tens of thousands of pounds more debt than I was before the break-up.
So really, what I should be thinking about is making more money and paying off this debt before saving anything.
After a month of solitude I am writing to say that:
1) I lost my shit and created lots of unnecessary debt for myself
2) I am a fucking idiot and I only have myself to blame
3) I will monetize my site in some way – and some people won’t like it.
Till this point, my readers and blogging community have been a glimmer of hope for me during my darkest hours.
My fear is that I monetise my site and people will think less of me and find me vulgar.
I will lose supporters (and potentially receive hate) which makes me very sad, but I think now is the time to put my big girl pants on and take a risk.