I feel like I’m drowning again

Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.

The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.

I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.

I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.

He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.

Breathe.

Calm down.

He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.

I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.

I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.

Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.

As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.

I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.

I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.

All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.

What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.

I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.

If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.

I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?

I’ve been broken far too many times.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

5 thoughts on “I feel like I’m drowning again

  1. Hey gorgeous. I’m SO SO SO SO sorry that you’re going through this. I have PTSD, too, so I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling. PTSD IS SUCH A DICK! You WILL find someone to love and who loves you for YOU and ALL of YOU. I found it, after one unstable relationship after another. My bf and I are going on four years this November and we’ve never had a fight fight – just disagreements (like 6). It was love at first sight and when we got together, I told myself that I CANNOT and WILL NOT let my BPD ruin this relationship. He is a keeper and I did not want to lose him because of my behavior with my BPD. It’s the FIRST stable relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s also the most loving. You WILL find someone just like that and when you do, you will be TRULY and GENUINELY happy and SO IN LOVE. There’s no rush though. I think what’s best for you right now is to focus on YOU and getting better. I know it’s painful and lonely, but you can do it! Hang in there please! You are SO MUCH STRONGER and POWERFUL and BRAVER than you think.
    AND YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. Please do NOT ever think that about yourself. You are not damaged to begin with. Your flaws and mistakes and ailments do NOT define who you are. Remember that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs. It’s totally ok to do whatever you need to to feel better *for yourself* after someone tore you down and broke your self worth. But, you don’t have to do it for someone else. My Partner went to the place I call the 9th Circle of Hell, which he now has the lived experience to agree totally deserves that moniker, with me last year and was there for me when I was literally a dissociated puddle on the floor. And, he has always been someone who has preferred the no makeup look over makeup, though I swear he has a better sense of style than I do. I totally ask his advice on shopping, but I don’t feel like he would *ever* demand I look a certain way. I am all for reclaiming your feeling of confidence, but try to do it because of *you*, not because of a voice someone else left in your head. That voice is still there for me even with having my Partner, but he’s always the one holding me and telling me not to listen to it (and he’d say to spend my money on what *I* want, not just to appease a ghost in my head.) I know you feel lost right now – and that’s to be expected – and PTSD doesn’t believe in the future and is *very* vocal about that. I never patly say “it gets better” because life is frustrating, PTSD sucks and things can go from better to Hell and back again all within months sometimes, at least in my experience, but I will say I spent most of my life thinking I’d face all of that alone, and I am not alone. I also did learn that the guys who will hold you while everything falls apart usually are also the one saying “you don’t need to change for me.” I wish I could speed up the process of finding your someone, but you absolutely aren’t destined to be alone forever and you aren’t unlovable. That’s the abuser’s voice in your head telling you that, only. It’s not truth.

    Liked by 1 person

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