My ADHD has been really bad lately.
I am wrapping up work and looking back on the week I can see that I have reached Friday without achieving much. This week has been a complete write-off, at work and at home.
I am medicated so normally I have handful of bad days each month but the last couple of weeks, this week specifically, has been absolutely brutal.
One way I describe this state is like a kind of “brain fog”. I am forgetful, impulsive (e.g. uncontrollably snapping at colleagues) and struggle with basic tasks and life skills.
It goes a little bit like this:
- I missed all of my early morning gym sessions
- I forgot to take the bins out (luckily there was a delay because of the bank holiday)
- I still haven’t returned the clothes I bought
- I nearly forgot to get to my therapy session
- I forgot to pick up my medication so I can’t now till Monday
- I burnt my dinner last night
- I missed my chance to surf some good swell on Thursday morning
- I haven’t filed / painted my nails and they are disgusting and chipped
- I forgot to eat today
- I haven’t been unable to write blog posts (writing this far has taken me an hour!)
Just a few examples of how I’ve been unable to function this week.
It is safe to say my brain fog has been quite severe and when I am like this there is no amount of Methylphenidate that can help me.
I was diagnosed at 30 so I have had 7 years to figure out what sorts of things that affect my ADHD symptoms, such as hormones, sleep, diet, exercise and stress.
I recently discovered that due to my Autism, I experience social exhaustion and sensory overload. Activities such as work, shopping or just interacting with other humans is so energetically draining that I need a lot of down time and sleep to recover. And I cant get enough sleep without self-medicating. Self-medicating for sleep can be counterproductive because anything that makes me sleepy will trigger the brain fog.
I can be doing everything right and have lots of support but my ADHD can worsen without any kind of outside influence, like when I am pre-menstrual (now). Whenever my ADHD worsens, the brain fog makes it harder for me to look after myself, remember to do things like set my alarm, get to places on time, I let people down, upset people, have panic attacks and everything turns to shit.
It is not rocket science, you can see how easily I can get caught in a vicious circle. You can see how easy it is for me to drown.
To top it all off, I had a panic attack during a meeting at work yesterday and my face is ticking a lot lately – which is so shameful.
I barely have a handle on the ADHD/Autism shit, or my anxiety and now PTSD – thanks to the abusive shit-head with whom I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with.
Fuck my life.
(In other news I still haven’t built the IKEA furniture and Leo is settling in nicely.)