I previously wrote about how the PTSD from my abusive relationship has made me hyper vigilant and uncomfortable around men. Something else I have discovered is, I am now uncomfortable around a lot of people. Family, colleagues and people I call friends.
Men and women.
Therapy has helped me understand that I struggle to identify unreasonable behaviours and I can’t protect myself from them.
I have poor boundaries.
I am a people pleaser.
I am vulnerable to abuse.
I have learned that due to low self-esteem, I willingly accept and make excuses for unreasonable behaviours. I will work hard to try to appease the other person.
I have realised that some of my friendships are very unhealthy and I am partially to blame. I seem to have a knack for attracting and nurturing friendships with people who aren’t particularly nice to be around.
Although I am aware of it (and massively repulsed by it) I still don’t know how to deal with situations and people who are toxic.
When I say toxic, I mean controlling, full of anger, harsh and judgemental towards others. Some people are aggressive in their ways and some are passive aggressive but in essence, they are made of the same stuff.
I am now navigating life with a different lens.
I am being given all this new information but I don’t know what to do with it.
I have come as far as being able to feel that something is off with the other person and it isn’t me, I have done nothing wrong – BUT I still need time to think about what was done or said.
I am not sure what to do now.
My gut is telling me that I need to get better at identifying the behaviours and challenging them on the spot. This is terrifying. People like this were unreasonable to begin with so the thought of confronting them makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I feel like it would be easier and cleaner just to cut some people off but I know that actually, I need to grow and learn from this.
I need to be brave and to trust that in fighting back, I am doing the right thing.