This is my home for the next week, a gorgeous little cottage in a coastal village in Snowdonia National Park, Wales. I took this picture as soon as we arrived on Friday – I tried to write an update but I was too tired from driving.
Yesterday I climbed the famous Mount Snowdon, the highest mountain in Wales. I have wanted to climb it for years but never got round to it. I should feel proud of myself as it is the biggest mountain in Wales at over 1000m but I don’t really.
Truth be told, I feel really shit about myself. I feel so fat and ugly right now that the whole time I was climbing the mountain, I was cursing and punishing myself. I was so hungry at times but I only allowed myself some fruit and the water.
This morning I woke up feeling a little bit of sadness and I think it is because my ex was supposed to be on this holiday with us. I caught myself wondering if he would’ve liked the bedroom and if the bed was comfortable enough for him so he could get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. There’s a part of me that really misses him. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad he isn’t here because the trip would have been utterly stressful and exhausting.
My therapist told me that I am grieving still, which makes sense – but still a total headfuck. Right now in this moment I have 100 reasons to be really, really happy but I am not.
My life is much easier now. I have more freedom and I don’t have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. No-one is going to get upset or pissed off with me.
I look around me and I everything I see is beautiful. The cottage is surrounded by plush gardens and just stones throw away from the sea.
It’s Easter Sunday, I woke up to birdsong and pancakes on the table for breakfast. My brother and sister in law are lovely, gentle and kind and they make me feel loved. Also a couple of my friends will be joining us later on in the week.
I have nothing to worry about.
I should be happy.
This week was supposed to be an esape for me but instead I have come face to face with the reality that:
- I am full of self loathing and I hate my appearance
- I am still greiving about the end of the relationship.
What if this week can be about purging and cleansing myself of all the shit? I wish.
Anyways, today is going to be another hot day. I am going to sign off now – get my hiking kit on and venture out to do another mountain, a big one.
All I can think to do now is climb and climb until eventually, the pain in my legs is greater than the pain in my heart.