A pink letter from Queenie, summoning me for Jury Service – again. A bit strange because I did Jury Service less than three years ago.
I got a feeling of dread when I saw it.
I really can’t cope with anything like this right now. If opening the summons letter triggered me, how can I deal with listening to a victim’s statement?
I couldn’t even go through with charging my ex. The police told me it was time to nip it in the bud. They knew about him and they disclosed to me that he had done this before. With one of his victims, his method’s to control and abuse her were creepily identical. She was much like me – was braver than me and was able to get a non-molestation order against him. I am absolutely terrified about what he might do to me if I did anything like that. The thought of having to speak in court with him there, still makes me feel sick to my stomach.
There is just no way I can willingly set foot in court right now but I am ashamed to say that I might not have any choice in the matter.
I have had another letter from the law this week , a Notice of Intended Prosecution for driving over the speed limit. I am really disappointed with myself. I have a clean lifestyle, don’t take drugs and not even much of a drinker. Driving safely is important to me because I was hit by a car when I was 7 years old. It took me till I was in my 30s to get a driving license because I was terrified of driving.
That night I was on my way home from my brothers house so I know that route really well. I have done a lot of long distance driving since the breakup. At times I just don’t feel safe on my own so I have been driving long distances, either to my brothers house or to the countryside somewhere – anywhere that is far away from my home.
I’ve been slowly drowning since the moment the police took him away. I’m trying so hard to pick up the pieces but it feels like I can’t even cope with basic adulting.
I still haven’t sorted out the replacement furniture that he destroyed. There are big IKEA boxes in my hallway and it tears me up every time I see them, yet I don’t have the strength or will to do anything about it.
I can’t even trust myself driving now.
He’s done a real number on me. He isn’t even in my life anymore but is still destroying me, my material world, my security and my independence.
I better stop writing soon. I need to post my response to this Notice of Prosecution, and then wait however long to find out how I will be punished.
I need to get my life back on track.