Life update: cuddles n stuff

Just a quick update as I haven’t been posting much lately.

Home

Leo is settling in nicely. He’s so affectionate, sleeps beside me at night and follows me around the house. It’s so endearing.

He’s looking really well, much better since he was first rescued. I’ve spent lots of time grooming and pampering him. I had to buy some interesting contraptions that deal with long hair and managed to get all the knots and dreads out. He’s so beautiful.

For some reason he has gone off wet food. I’ve now tried every “high quality” veterinary brand available and he seems to prefer the dry food. Very confusing, but he’s is eating lots, drinking lots of water and looks happy so I’ll try not to obsess about it.

Work

I had a serious wobbler at work on Friday, sent some angry emails, etc. It was not as bad as it could have been but I felt so sad / angry / frustrated that I was close to packing it all in. If you read my last post then this wouldn’t be surprising to you…I was definitely ready to burst.

I’m glad that there was a couple of days build-up and I didn’t just “snap”. I was passive aggressive as fuck which is perversely, preferable in a corporate environment. 

What else can I say. I was in a bit of a state but I don’t really want to write about it just now because I’ll get upset again.

I know I need to find a way to address some things that are bothering me, but I probably won’t. Not in a healthy way – it will escalate and I’ll have to be forced before I can have those difficult conversations with people.

For now I’m going to bury my head in the sand and wait to be pushed.

Social Life

I’m still not feeling particularly sociable moment. I have a select few trusted people that I want to be around. Everyone else seems like hard work at the moment, particularly those who are opinionated or come with their own issues that they want to project on to me. I just don’t have the energy for any kind of toxic bullshit at the moment.

Love Life

Non-existent.

I decided not to go on that “third date” because something didn’t sit right with me. He has since informed me that he’s found my blog, made a weird comment implying I have gender privilege because I can talk about being a victim of domestic abuse.

Having seen a couple of passive aggressive posts and hashtags on Instagram, (presumably because I don’t want to see him again), I think I might have dodged some kind of bullet there.

Not that I’m losing sleep over this but I’m really fucking tetchy right now but if I’m honest, it doesn’t take much for me to feel harassed.

Moving on!

So, I’m not officially dating anyone but I’m getting plenty of affection from the opposite sex. I’ve taken the next step in my recovery and allowed myself some intimacy with a few people that I trust.

I’ve said this before, I’m incredibly lucky for all the lovely gentlemen in my life, for all the ways they have helped me whilst I’ve been at my lowest.

I have amazing bonds with most of my exes and a few of them have been taking care of me since leaving my abusive relationship. For those that are geographically close to me, we’ve been able to spend quality time together…no agenda, a home cooked meal, cuddles and kisses on the sofa. I’ve felt cared for and safe enough to fall asleep in their arms.

I can’t think of anything more tender and healing than this. Exactly what I need right now and I’m so grateful. I’m more than happy with how things are at the moment.

Of course I want nothing more than to fall madly in love with someone amazing…but I’ve accepted that healing from domestic abuse will be a long and painful journey.

I’m in a much better place and I can afford to be patient with myself.

Hobbies n Activities

I’m appreciating my freedom and how I don’t have to ask for persmission to do the things that I love.

I’ve had a action filled bank holiday weekend full of surfing, hiking and managed to squeeze in a bike ride in the forest. 

I really can’t complain.

I’m not gaming as much now that the weather has improved but last weekend I did buy the DLC for The Division 2 and spent a whole day gaming (which was amazing).

Health and Well-being

My overall health and well-being is improving. My energy levels are good and with the warmer weather I’m getting outdoors to do lots of fun stuff.

I am still not eating well or cooking proper meals for myself. Unless someone else feeds me I will just resort to microwave meals, cerials, nuts fruit and tinned soup.

It doesn’t sound so bad but the reason it pains me is because I have never lived on microwaves meals before. It’s just not me – I am half Iranian and was brought up to cook my meals from scratch. if I find the motivation to eat well and cook for myself again then I’ll feel more like myself. My routines will be back to where they were before the abuse started. Before my system of living was taken away from me. 

To conclude, I’m okay right now, things are “up and down”.

I am still trying to find my way back to normality.

I know there’s some difficult times ahead with work and my PTSD. I’m very much reliant on my support network but I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s the best I can do right now.

Hello Anger.

I’ve had a stressful day at work today. Actually, it’s been a really stressful week and I am kind of pissed off right now.

I’ve had to put up with full-days of being stuck in a room with collegues, back-to-back meetings about business challenges and software solutions. The sessions have intense, with an insane mix of people from all over the business.

As you can imagine, there’s been a few egos in the room and a few uncomfortable moments. Scenarios like, someone will say something weird / cryptic / irrational or thrown some kind of shade at me. Every time without fail, I am left there, autistically dumbfounded, trying to unlock some kind of secrect code to decypher “what-ever-the-fuck” that was all about.

It takes me a while…I need time to process the information so I can decide whether I should be confused, frustrated or just plain fucking angry.

And like, how fucking dare they give me shade.

Seriously fucking why?!

Have they no fucking idea how hard it is for me, an ADHD person to sit in this same spot for hours on end AND try to stay focused for long enough, so I can do my fucking job.

I am locked in a room with a group of people who have no appreciation about how much effort it takes to act normal. To stop myself fidgeting. To follow the pace of the conversation so I don’t talk out of turn. To stop myself stimming and chewing my fucking cuticles to the bone till my fingers bleed.

Through all of this I am battling the urge excuse myself, walk out the room and run as far away as possible because the alternative is I might just fucking scream.

I have to hide the fact that actually, I just want to say to people:

Please stop getting offended because I disagree with you on something. You don’t have to be “right” all the time. I am impaired and you are making it REALLY difficult for me to do my job. This is not about you.

Please be polite and notice how I am trying to be polite to you, even though you have been unreasonable towards me. I am impaired and it’s SUPER hard for me to control my impulses. The least you can do is try a little bit.

Please be kind and please care about me because I am impaired.

But you don’t understand my impairments and you won’t understand, because you don’t care.

So you won’t be kind or polite and you really really need to be right. So eventually I will totally lose my shit, and then I’ll scream at you. Then everything will be a mess and I won’t be able to fix it.

Fucking why??!!

Hello Anger.

I feel like I’m drowning again

Im having a PTSD episode as I write this. I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well but but the last three days have been awful.

The most visible physical symptom is that I’m crying all the time.

I’m having waves of anxiety where it’s hard to breathe and it feels like my heart is going to explode.

I’ve just messaged my friend (my guardian angel). I hate worrying him, he’s stressed enough as it is as he is touring at the moment and it’s been a rough one for him.

He’s going to ring me back in an hour or so. I just have to wait.

Breathe.

Calm down.

He’s just sent me a link to a song On YouTube, Lola by the Kinks , because we would listen to that song when we were sixteen and it always makes me smile.

I’m calming down a little bit but the tears are still streaming down my face as I write. I don’t think it’s helping but I’m going to keep writing.

I look over to my little man, Leo who is sleeping beside me on the sofa. He’s making funny noises and I think he’s having a nightmare.

Apart from Leo and I, the house is empty.

As I sit here weeping uncontrollably, I’m recognising that yes I have PTSD but I’m also depressed and feeling so alone right now. I wish I had a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me.

I want to be in love with someone with the security that nothing bad is going to happen.

I want to feel safe but I’m asking too much because for me, feeling safe is to be in a loving relationship. Maybe this is part of my Iranian upbringing but I want to be held every night, to feel cherished and looked after by a man who loves me, and I love him back.

All I feel now is emotional turmoil, anguish and heart ache from what is missing from my life.

What’s worse is the that deep down I think I’m going to be alone forever.

I’m remortgaging my house to pay for cosmetic work to be done on my teeth and face. Im doing this because the last time I was in a committed relationship, I was made to feel like I was ugly and worthless.

If I’m honest, I really don’t think I will ever find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be truly happy and in love.

I can distract myself with appointments and forking out to fix my teeth and my face. I can lose more weight and feel prettier than I do right now but what does it matter?

I’ve been broken far too many times.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

I didn’t go to Paris

I have complex feelings about this T-shirt. First of all – I love this T-shirt because it is a gift from one of my dearest friends.

Around January this year my friend wanted me to go to Paris with him (and I should have went) but I just couldn’t do it.

At the time it felt impossible for me to break away from the situation I was in. I was in an abusive relationship with a very disturbed man. I was emotionally and psychologically trapped and I could see no way out.

It’s worth saying that my lovely friend is actually an ex-boyfriend from back in the day when we were kids. We were about 16-17 years old at the time.

He was my first love.

He knew I was in an abusive relationship because he is the person I called, each time I was in tears, falling apart and on the verge of a break down.

Inviting me to Paris was one of the many ways he tried to rescue me. I didn’t run away to Paris with him but I can sincerely say that in so many ways, he totally did rescue me.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about all the things he has done for me – because it’s private – but what I will say is that he really showed up for me.

For all the harm that was done to me, he was the one who went out of his way to help me heal from it all.

He helped me pick up the pieces, cared for me and made me feel special. One result from all the things he did, was that he helped me recognise that I didn’t deserve any of what happened to me.

I have complex feelings about the T-shirt because it reminds me of a painful time in my life but also it’s symbolic of my friends heroism.

The T-shirt reminds me of how trapped I was. It reminds me that I had a chance to escape the abusive relationship but I was too weak at the time.

The T-shirt reminds me of friendship and kindness. It reminds me that my dear friend was there for me when I really needed it.

The T-shirt reminds me of my first love. It reminds me of a time before heartbreak, before I was damaged and broken.

The T-shirt reminds me of my own self-worth. It reminds me that I might be broken but I am still lovable.

The T-shirt reminds me to be aware of dangerous people but to have faith that there are good people too.

The T-shirt reminds me not to be afraid because one of the good ones is my guardian angel.

Brain fog and face ticks

My ADHD has been really bad lately.

I am wrapping up work and looking back on the week I can see that I have reached Friday without achieving much. This week has been a complete write-off, at work and at home.

I am medicated so normally I have handful of bad days each month but the last couple of weeks, this week specifically, has been absolutely brutal.

One way I describe this state is like a kind of “brain fog”. I am forgetful, impulsive (e.g. uncontrollably snapping at colleagues) and struggle with basic tasks and life skills.

It goes a little bit like this:

  • I missed all of my early morning gym sessions
  • I forgot to take the bins out (luckily there was a delay because of the bank holiday)
  • I still haven’t returned the clothes I bought
  • I nearly forgot to get to my therapy session
  • I forgot to pick up my medication so I can’t now till Monday
  • I burnt my dinner last night
  • I missed my chance to surf some good swell on Thursday morning
  • I haven’t filed / painted my nails and they are disgusting and chipped
  • I forgot to eat today
  • I haven’t been unable to write blog posts (writing this far has taken me an hour!)

Just a few examples of how I’ve been unable to function this week.

It is safe to say my brain fog has been quite severe and when I am like this there is no amount of Methylphenidate that can help me.

I was diagnosed at 30 so I have had 7 years to figure out what sorts of things that affect my ADHD symptoms, such as hormones, sleep, diet, exercise and stress.

I recently discovered that due to my Autism, I experience social exhaustion and sensory overload. Activities such as work, shopping or just interacting with other humans is so energetically draining that I need a lot of down time and sleep to recover. And I cant get enough sleep without self-medicating. Self-medicating for sleep can be counterproductive because anything that makes me sleepy will trigger the brain fog.

I can be doing everything right and have lots of support but my ADHD can worsen without any kind of outside influence, like when I am pre-menstrual (now). Whenever my ADHD worsens, the brain fog makes it harder for me to look after myself, remember to do things like set my alarm, get to places on time, I let people down, upset people, have panic attacks and everything turns to shit.

It is not rocket science, you can see how easily I can get caught in a vicious circle. You can see how easy it is for me to drown.

To top it all off, I had a panic attack during a meeting at work yesterday and my face is ticking a lot lately – which is so shameful.

I barely have a handle on the ADHD/Autism shit, or my anxiety and now PTSD – thanks to the abusive shit-head with whom I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with.

Fuck my life.

(In other news I still haven’t built the IKEA furniture and Leo is settling in nicely.)