My wounded little soldier

Leo and I are sat waiting for our vet appointment. The poor guy had a massive lump on his head which burst last night.

The smell was horrific and now he has a gaping wound. I can’t say for sure how or what caused the abscess but I *think* he was attacked by another cat.

The cat rescue told me that he isn’t good at defending himself as he was badly beaten by cats in the past (I know how that feels).

It’s frustrating because I tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he is determined to go out and has ground me down.

So I’ve just given up now. I let him run around in the garden. He doesn’t normally go far from sight but one night a few weeks ago, he disappeared.

I called him for about an hour but it got late so I had to fall asleep with my back door open, hoping he’d come home.

I discovered him sleeping next to me in the morning and when we got out of bed I noticed he was limping along next to me.

I called the vet who said to bring him in if he doesn’t improve in 24 hours. His limp went away so we didn’t go to the vet.

Anyways, I think that night he was attacked and the abscess on his head which has burst is a result of that night.

He really hates going to the vet. He’s taken a chunk out of my hand as I tried to get him in his carrier.

Such a carry on, I’m sweating still.

He’s so adorable and affectionate but he’s also stubborn with me – but a bloody wuss when it comes to looking after himself on the streets.

Little shit. But I do love him – just look at that face!

Fingers crossed he gets his treatment and it heals up okay.

Love is a drug

I started dating someone and I am thinking it might go somewhere.

Full disclosure, we have only been on one date. And yes, this is a strange thing for me to say.

I am totally getting ahead of myself.

I KNOW.

Before sounding like I have lost my mind (which is yesterdays news anyways), I will try to explain.

We went on our first date about a month ago, which went well but for various reasons we haven’t had a chance to go on a second date. These being, he is now overseas on holiday – and, in his words, he took it too literally when I said to him “see you in September then”

*facepalm*

Anyways, we are talking a lot, and I like him a lot.

Hes so sweet… I told him I feel bad because I am distracting him from his holiday but he is determined to keep the dialogue (and pic swapping) going.

I don’t talk about it much but I have told him about my past relationship, the abuse, the PTSD and the nightmares. It is so easy to talk to him about this stuff.

An interesting thing happened yesterday at work, which has thrown up some interesting challenges that I am not able to write about yet. When I had an emotional meltdown about it, all I wanted was for him to be there.

And he kind of was, from a distance.

Shit – I barely know him, and out of nowhere I am getting the feels – which is utterly perplexing. It’s nice, but it’s mixed with fear and my brain is like WTF IS GOING ON!!!

Can’t compute.

I googled the science of falling in love today – like, proper research and science stuff.

Did you know that scientists reckon that falling in love affects the same brain reward circuits as cocaine and heroin?

Help.

If we extend this theory to someone like me, vulnerable and a recent victim of domestic violence – then maybe we have some kind of explanation for how I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I need to rein it in and protect myself? How do I even do that?

I’m not seeing any red flags???

Or maybe its as simple as, I have met someone really special and I just need to chill the fuck out and run with it.

I really don’t want to get hurt again.

Any ideas?

Under Construction

Healing and rebuilding my confidence has been slow and things don’t seem to be moving as fast as I need them to.

Emotionally, I still feel like utter shit but my energy levels have been insane. I’m restless, still not sleeping well. I’ve become increasingly confrontational and rebellious. I am running my mouth off and pushing boundaries at work. Still spending money I don’t have.

I am *aware*, which is something – but I am not in control which makes this so frustrating for me. I am trying so so hard to rein myself in.

I wish I had an off button.

The best I can do is to try and channel this reckless energy into productive things.

So, here’s where I am at – I have made a list which I have organised into three categories: started, not started and done:

Started:

  • Get braces
  • Remortgage my house,
  • Redecorate and rebuild hallway and stairs (floors, walls, ceiling and electrics)
  • Lose lots of weight
  • Find a boyfriend

Not Started:

  • Visit my best friend in Scotland for his Birthday
  • Finally paint something cool on that massive blank canvas

Done:

  • Get quotes for decorating and building works
  • Go out clubbing and have a nice time (don’t have a panic attack)
  • Go on a first date and have a nice time (don’t cancel on him)
  • Redecorate my front patio
  • Removal of ivy from the side of my house
  • Garden and driveway maintenance, removal of weeds etc.

I’ve missed loads of stuff off this list but it’s enough to show what I have been up to.

I am surprised myself by the number of projects I am juggling – and this doesn’t include what I do for work. My day job needs it’s own blog post but seriously, fuck that! I’ll end up getting more stressed about work if I write about it.

So yeah, I’m totally on a mission to change everything in my life.

I am mindful that this is all sounding very unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.

No strings attached

I’m starting to feel more comfortable with intimacy and sexual contact. I discovered this earlier this summer, after a lovely weekend away with a very attractive male friend.

To give you a bit of background about my friend, we met on Tinder a few years back. Our friendship was never platonic but it was never romantic either. One thing is for sure it has been entirely uncomplicated from the beginning.

I like uncomplicated.

There is comfort in knowing we can enjoy each others company, and then go our separate ways. It could be months before we make contact again and this how we like it.

I consider this weekend away, a major milestone in my recovery from domestic abuse, but I have ways to go yet.

I’m still incredibly tetchy around men. So much so that on the drive to meet him I found myself catastrophising and getting anxious, but it was fine. He was an absolute gentleman and we had a lovely time.

But I still have ZERO self-confidence at the moment.

My abusive relationship ended in February, just 6 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. As a result of the abuse I’m struggling with PTSD (chronic anxiety, inability to sleep, etc.), and severe self-esteem issues.

I know I need to cut myself some slack but I feel really shit about myself right now. My old hang ups about things like body image are now tenfold.

I feel utterly undesirable and unlovable.

On top of this I have discovered all kinds of new baggage that I didn’t have before. Baggage that is causing me to arrange a “first date” with someone from a dating site and then cancel it at the very last minute.

Right now I have ZERO faith that I’ll ever be happy in a loving relationship.

I need to be brave now. I’m trying to be brave.

I have identified that I have unhealthy coping and avoidance mechanisms, where I deny myself physical contact.

I’ve taken a bold step and I’m trying not to shut myself away from the world. I’m trying to be more sociable but it’s so hard.

Im finding that spending time with people, even friends – is either boring or emotionally exhausting.

All things considered I know it will be sometime before I can embrace a new relationship – but I can take baby steps.

I am taking baby steps.

My weekend away has shown me that maybe I should start “seeing” someone regularly, BUT there are so many caveats to this.

First of all it would need to be very clear that I would not be looking for anything serious right now.

In my case of being Autistic, having PTSD and recovering from an abusive relationship – I think I’m asking for too much.

He needs to be laid back, reliable and predictable. I need to be in control of the pace and he can’t make and any emotional or sexual demands from me.

So, last weekend was major milestone in my recovery – but I still have ways to go when it comes to intimacy and relationships.

One month of solitude

I just realised that it has been exactly a month since I last wrote a blog post. Instead I’ve spent a lot of time gaming and snuggling with my cat.

I haven’t felt able or motivated to write and I haven’t kept up with the mental health community on social media. I have been mentally exhausted and needed time to reflect.

At the time I started the blog and twitter account I was incredibly unstable, anxious and erratic. During this time I didn’t feel safe in my own home and I was using the platforms to distract myself and avoid being alone.

I am calmer now and this last month I have slowed right down, maybe from exhaustion.

I have been processing.

After a month of solitude, a reader reached out to me to find out why I haven’t written in so long. They asked for a link to my Amazon wish list and suggested that I will get back into writing more if I monetized my blog.

So I have been thinking about that and I have been thinking about money.

Yes, I would feel 100% more motivated to write frequently if I knew that my writing added value to someone’s life. I am not sure if monetizing my blog is a way to achieve this.

To me there are other reasons to monetize my blog.

My work and finances are in order, for now – as long as I can keep my shit together during working hours. Money will be OK if I can avoid fucking up or melting down in front of certain colleagues.

I am so worried that I will fail.

And I am worried that I have no savings.

Last Xmas, my [abusive] ex boyfriend insisted that we go on an expensive holiday so I ended up spending my savings, which wasn’t much but it was something to fall back on.

Maybe I would feel less anxious if I built up a safety net. I do need to think of ways to spend less as well as generate a little more money, purely for savings.

I am worried because I have been reckless with money.

The best way I can describe this is, after the break-up I went into a kind of “manic” state, and spent ALOT of money. Money that I don’t have. I bought a new car, cosmetic dentistry, video games, a cat, further donations to the cat shelter, cat accessories and lots of fuel to drive hundred of miles around the UK.

Unsurprisingly my monthly outgoings have doubled as I am now in tens of thousands of pounds more debt than I was before the break-up.

So really, what I should be thinking about is making more money and paying off this debt before saving anything.

After a month of solitude I am writing to say that:

1) I lost my shit and created lots of unnecessary debt for myself

2) I am a fucking idiot and I only have myself to blame

3) I will monetize my site in some way – and some people won’t like it.

Till this point, my readers and blogging community have been a glimmer of hope for me during my darkest hours.

My fear is that I monetise my site and people will think less of me and find me vulgar.

I will lose supporters (and potentially receive hate) which makes me very sad, but I think now is the time to put my big girl pants on and take a risk.